When it rains, it pours.
What did you do during the last winter vacation? Probabley some of you might went to trip. Was it good? It's just as well if you say 'yes'. Unfortunately, I'm not. It was my first trip with my friends and It didn't go that well.
Have you ever heard of rail road? It's vacation event from Seoul Metro. You can take trains whatever you like for a week with a cheap price. My friends and I expectantly decided to make a 5days schedule and distributed it to one by one. One of my friends take the AnDong as his place which is the first destination of our trip and he was supposed to search information like transportations, train time, tourist attraction and so on. That's the beginning of disaster of our trip.
One day before we trip, suddenly the friend called me he must stay home because of his grandmother. He said blah blah blah, but my ears were already closed and didn't want to hear anymore. I was really angry and at the same time, also worried about our trip because we didn't have anything about our first destination. We were out of time and had to go AnDong in a defenseless state. But unexpectedly, things seemed to go well at the first time. We ate delicious AnDong JJim Dak(chicken) and went to HaHoe Village. However, one of our members plunk down on the ground complaining his stomachahe. I was at a loss and called 119 for an emergency measurement. What matters worse, because of poor weather rescue workers couldn't find us easily. It was literally pouring.
Can you immagine the result of our trip? We just went back home and spend a boring vacation. Because it was my first time with friends, disappointment was really huge. During the coming summer vacation, I hope to achieve sucessful trip.
To Wan Soo Cho From Jae Hyun Park Assignment a narrative paragraph about something that happened to you while you were on a trip.
ReplyDelete1,What I like about this piece of writing is what you have for your writing. I feel like your material is competitive enough to be a good writing even compared to others.
2,Your main point seems to be that you completely ruined your trip with friends because not to need to mention one friend who had a stomachache, one of your friend just canceled it for some reason and it seems like that preparation was not enough.
3,Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved.
Well, according to your writing one of your friend was supposed to set up a travel schedule or transportation in Andong. Then you said one of friend canceled trip because of some reason. I wondered if the one who canceled trip is the one who supposed to do research in Andong. This is what I understood. I’m not sure whether it is correct or not. Plus I hope you can improve this part by making clearly.
4,The changes you could make that would make improvement in this piece of writing are followed.
First of all I really want to emphasize that what you are supposed to write is not just something that happened to you while you were on a trip. You should write a narrative paragraph related to topic. In my opinion, according to our textbook’s editor’s checklist for narrative paragraph in page 145, some points are in your current work while some points aren’t. Your writing has background information and the event of the story and emotional details, while it lacks sensory details or sequence words or concluding sentence that “wraps up” the story which is supposed to tell how the experience affected you.
In particular, some parts such as introduction part, What did you do during the last winter vacation? Probabley some of you might went to trip. Was it good? It's just as well if you say 'yes'. Unfortunately, I'm not. and another part, Have you ever heard of rail road? It's vacation event from Seoul Metro. You can take trains whatever you like for a week with a cheap price. , are not that go along with narrative paragraph. You can review some other examples in unit 6 in our textbook. I know it is very hard to correct style of writing. As it sometimes require to rewrite whole writing, but it is up to you and I feel your writing will be much more improved if you change this point.
See you in class~
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