I have a special clothing that is very special to me. It is a Korean traditional cloth called HanBok. It is seperated into three parts--there is a inner white dress and two outers. Upper part of the outer is called 'JeoGoRi'. Mine is the color of coral pink and some beautiful lines with flowers are trimmed on the sleeves. The dark purple outer dress is very long and smooth. It is made out of a piece of silk so it shines gently under the light. When I was 16 years old, I got my HanBok from a traditional cloth market with my parents. I wear this special cloth in many occasions to celebrate something. For instance, I wore it for my grandparents' birthday parties and for the wedding ceremonies of my cousins'. Therefore whenever I wear my HanBok, I recall all of those good memories I had with it. This makes my special cloth even more special to me!
Hi ChaeHyun ! I am SunGyung Kim and I really loved your writing because I've got a special Korean Traditional Dress 'HanBok' too. This made me feel more into the paragraph you wrote.
ReplyDelete1. Actually, you eparated the topic sentence into the first two sentences. I think you'd better reunite them and then it will make your topic stronger.
2. You included background information about hanbok in the latter part of th paragragh. This is quite good but changing the organization of the paragraph could work too. When I read it, I was a little bit distracted because you directly described the appearance of the HanBok before talking nothing else about it.
3. Your description is great! It's very descriptive and specific so that I could imagine it's superficial things without seeing it.
4. You specifically used the name of each parts and this made your description strong. In this context, I think you used specicic words well.
5. When it comes to adjectives, I could find a few color names and things such as beautiful, very long, smooth, silk...etc. They are generally well used and it seems enough for you.
6. Your usage of adjectives are really good and this is the most attractive part of the paragraph.
7. As I mentioned at first mentioning the topic sentence, I can find the same problem here. This is not bad but it would be better if you make the concluding sentence more impressive.
Thanks for sharing your wonderful HanBok's appearance and its feeling. Plus, I am really looking forward to see you in class next Monday :)
Hi, I'm Sora.
ReplyDeleteYou describe your special posession very well. I could get what is the topic sentence but your topic sentence is a little bit weak. Because it isn't unite the paragraph.
You wrote some background about your special posession but it isn't enough. And actually I don't understand why is it background. I think it would be better one strong background not the some weak backgrounds.
You have some details but they don't have any unity.
You used specific words when you describe your special posession but in reasons... I don't think so.
Although your concluding sentence is very clear! I could get the topic sentence!
I have a special clothing that is very special to me. It is a Korean traditional cloth called HanBok. This peice of cloth is usually very expensive so when I became 16 years old, I could finally buy my own HanBok. I went to the traditional cloth market of Korea with my parents. First, the beutiful colors of the outer caught my eyes. HanBok is seperated into three parts--there is a inner white dress and two outers. Upper part of the outer is called 'JeoGoRi'. Mine is the color of coral pink and some beautiful lines with flowers are trimmed on the sleeves. The dark purple outer dress is long enough to cover my feet. Also, it is made out of a piece of smooth silk so it shines gently under the light. I wear this special cloth in many occasions to celebrate. For instance, I wore it for my grandparents' birthday parties and for the wedding ceremonies of my cousins'. Therefore whenever I wear my HanBok, I can recall all those good memories I had with it. This makes my special cloth even more special to me!
ReplyDelete