My grandparents used to live in a city called "Janghang". It's a city right next to the sea. I have most of my childhood memory with my grandparents there. First of all, when I think of the city, I just can smell the salt of the sea water, and sound of the wave. I used to walk beside the beach with my parents and grandparents when I visit Janghang. Since I was a very small kid back then, I liked to play with the sand at the beach. I remember the softness of the sand and the shape of a castle I built by the sand. Also, what I remember the most of Janghang is an alley beside my grandparents' house. I used to play there with my cousins and my little sister. We played games like 'hide-and seek' or 'Mugunghwa is open (bloom)'. When I went back there after few years, I realized that the alley is really narrow. I wonder how we could play so joyfully although the space was so small. Finally, I remember very specifically of my grandparents' house. My grandparents had lived there more than twenty years. Therefore the house was very old, which made me curious, because I only lived in apartments since I was little. There were 'Jangdokdae' which is gathering of pots, and a garden which was full of vegetables and fruits. I remember secretly eating a pomegranate in the garden and it was so sour that I still can't easily eat pomegranate. After my grandfather passed away, grandmother sold the house and moved to Daejeon. However, I still have those memories from Janghang so well.
Hi,Minju. I enjoyed reading your piece of writing. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI like your paragraph, because you describe the place so lively and vividly. I could clearly imagine the scene where you took a walk and played with your little friends. It was good description. I'd like to say you did a great job because you have a story in this short paragragh as well.
If I was forced to pick something to improve your writing, I would say this. I don't understand why the sentence "Finally, I remember very specifically of my grandparents' house.' is there. Just like before this sentence you will talk about something related to your grandparents' house. So I don't think it is an effective sentence.
See you!
To Minju Yeo from Jae Hyun Park Assignment A sense of place
ReplyDelete1, What I like about this piece of writing is your affection on your grandparent’s house which can be felt from your overall writing.
2, Your main point seems to be your memory related to your grandparent’s house in Janghang.
3, In particular your play in narrow alley with cousins made me grin. I personally like this line, We played games like 'hide-and seek' or 'Mugunghwa is open (bloom)'. Since I was raised by my grandparents when I was young your writing reminds me of happy time in there. And I remember that I often played this game with friends.
4, Well.. There are some expressions that is little bit strange to me. For example ‘I just can smell the salt of the sea water’ in this sentence replacing ‘sea’ for ‘sea water’ may go well more. I’m not sure whether you used this expression intentionally but I feel like you used ‘sea water’ because of Korean expression ‘바닷물’ which can be directly translated into ‘sea water’.
5, One change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is focusing. At first I thought that you are going to describe your grandparent’s house but I find your descriptions are not enough. I can recognize that there is beautiful sand coast near grandparents’ house and there are some narrow alleys where you can play beside house, house is also 20 years old and there is 'Jangdokdae' with pots and vegetables and fruits in garden. However you said that “Finally, I remember very specifically of my grandparents' house.” But how does your grandparents’ house specifically look like? Is it two story building? How big is it? It is typical Korean style or modern western style or japanese style?.... I think your wiring can be improved by adding some detailed descriptions on house or you just change your focus to other things such as sand coast or alley or etc.
But anyway I like your writing! See you in class!