A special possession for me is a song that I made with my friends in a school club. I don't know if I could call this a possession, but it has a special meaning to me. There was a competition in HUFS that gives prizes for making a good song. My club, which is a singing club, decided to participate together. At first, it sound really cool and seemed easy to make a song. However, there were so many difficulties than we expected. First, many skills and talent than we thought were required to make a song. Starting from making a chorus, and to chord, we had to spend all a month to finally make our song 'sound like a song'. Second, since we had so many problems to discuss and decide, we often had to fight each other. The fights even made some people to withdraw the club. Me and my boyfriend who was in the same club fought everyday which made our relationship not so good. As time went on, we agreed that we needed some time to make each other understood and be friendly again. We did this by communicating a lot. After our club got through all those hardships, we finally completed our own song named 'I hope my heart gets to you'. The song indicated our thoughts. The reason this song is a special possession for me not only because it is a piece of memory and unique, but also it gave me a lot of lessons of communicating with friends or a boyfriend.
1.Does the paragraph have a topic sentence? Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
ReplyDeleteYes, the topic sentence is "A special possession for me is a song that I made with my friends in a school club." and she will describe about song that she made with her friends in a school club.
2.Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
Yes, it is. "There was a competition in HUFS that gives prizes for making a good song. My club, which is a singing club, decided to participate together. At first, it sound really cool and seemed easy to make a song."
3.Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
Yes, I think so. she describes difficulties in making song and explains making song process.
4.Does the writer use specific words (instead of general terms) in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
a song that I made with my friends in a school club, competition in Hufs, song named 'I hope my heart gets to you'... I think these words are specific not general.
5.Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
I think this sentence: "After our club got through all those hardships, we finally completed our own song named 'I hope my heart gets to you'." is a concluding sentence.
Hello MinJu! My name is Jeong Hyen Joo. This is my feedback based on page 42.
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence? Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
Yes. I think the topic sentence of this paragraph is 'A special possession for me is a song that I made with my friends in a school club'. So, I can identify that the writer will describe something about the song which she had made.
2. Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
Yes. There is a sentence that she made the song because of the competition in HUFS. Because there was a lot of hardship while she was making a song, it really means to her as she went through all the suffering.
3. Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
Actually, I can't see the descriptive details about the song. Although there was a lot of reasons why she like the song best, I can't find any details that describe how was the song.
4. Does the writer use specific words in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
Because there isn't any specific words about the song, I think it would be better if the writer describes about the atmosphere or rhyme of the song.
5. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
Yes, I think the concluding sentence is "The reason this song is a special possession for me not only because it is a piece of memory and unique, but also it gave me a lot of lessons of communicating with friends or a boyfriend". It really restates the idea of the whole paragraph.
It is a really good paragraph. I can feel why you like the song best. It would be better if you add more details about the song. Thank you!
Second draft
ReplyDeleteA special possession for me is a song that I made with my friends in a school club. I don't know if I could call this a possession, but it has a special meaning to me. There was a competition in HUFS that gives prizes for making a good song. My club, which is a singing club, decided to participate together. At first, it sound really cool and seemed easy to make a song. However, there were so many difficulties than we expected. First, many skills and talent than we thought were required to make a song. Starting from making a chorus, and to chord, we had to spend all a month to finally make our song 'sound like a song'. Second, since we had so many problems to discuss and decide, we often had to fight each other. The fights even made some people to withdraw the club. Me and my boyfriend who was in the same club fought everyday which made our relationship not so good. As time went on, we agreed that we needed some time to make each other understood and be friendly again. We did this by communicating a lot. After our club got through all those hardships, we finally completed our own song named 'I hope my heart gets to you'. The song indicated our thoughts. The reason this song is a special possession for me not only because it is a piece of memory and unique, but also it gave me a lot of lessons of communicating with friends or a boyfriend.