(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12 Jon H. Bahk-HalbergPark Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411 Due date: 2012/3/22 Topic: Possession that is important to you.
Something that is more worth than my soul
I am looking at the night skies thinking what is the most important among what I have. Maybe it could be my laptop which is the most expensive one, or my gorgeous leather shoes, or maybe rolling papers from my high school friends and so on. But I think these can be duplicated or simply I can buy another one. However, there is one thing that cannot be replaced by anything, 'my family'. I have spent the longest time with 'my family' since my birth, and I have priceless memories with them more than anything, and their value is immeasurable. How can't I choose 'my family' to be the most important possession? I can sacrifice myself for 'my family' even the sacrifice leads to my death. The word 'my family' means fifteen people including me which are composed of five small families. These families are all rooted from my grandparents. Originally, my grandparents had two sons and two daughters. And eventually, it became fifteen people. Although five small families are all living in different places for instance Seoul, Sangju city, Pohang city and Gimcheon city but all the members are really tightly connected. All families are gathered four times in every year in New Year's Day in the lunar calendar, Chuseok, my grandfather's memorial ceremony and my grandmother's birthday in my grandparents' house in Gimcheon city. Actually 'my family' was seventeen people not fifteen. Yes, there were two people who are already passed away. Regarding 'my family' I feel that I share my soul maturing with them. I can see uncles and aunts getting older and childrens becoming adult. In the range of 'my family' I learned life, death and many other things. Saying again 'my family' is all that I have. |
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Jae Hyun Park/A possession that is important to you/Mon 9:00~11:00
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Hi! This is Youn Hee. It was very interesting to read your writing! It was fresh to write that your family is important to you. Because I thought about writing an important "thing"! Anyway, my family is important for me too.
ReplyDelete1. In this wrinting, I think that the topic sentence is 'there is one thing that cannot be replaced by anything, 'my family''. By this sentence I was able to identify what you described in this paragraph.
2. Yes, you provided background information about your family. You mentioned how many members are there and that they are all rooted from your grandparents. And also, you told where they live and when do you gather every year.
3. You said that you spent the longest time with your family since you have been born, and you also said that you have priceless memories with them more than anything which value are immeasurable. And also, you said that you could sacrifice yourself for your family even if it leads to your death. I was able to know how much your family is important to you but I think it is what everyone can tell about their family. I think it could be more detailed description if you wrote more about why they are important to you.
4. I think it was good that you used those adjectives: 'priceless' and 'immeasurable'.
5. Yes, you restated that your family is all that you have.
Jae Hyun, it was a pleasure to read your writing. I had a time to think about my family once more. Thank you! :)
Hi this is Kahee.
ReplyDeleteI think that you writing about your family as your most important posseission was very new. I also think that your topic sentence is a bit weak. So I thihk rather than the first sentence you wrote right now, chaning it to some other sentences that can show the topic would be better. I like that you told why your family is important. In the concluding sentence you did restated the topic sentence, but saying that your family is all that you have kind of gives me a negative feeling(this is just my opinion, no offense).
I think sentences that shows your love about your family, like telling us once more that they are their value to you is unmeasurable would fit better to your story.
(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12
ReplyDeleteJon H. Bahk-Halberg
Park Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411
Draft 2
Topic: Possession that is important to you.
I can die for it
In my 21 years life I had many things. Among them only few things were meaningful to me. Not the price but for other reasons some items were really special. Rolling papers from high school friends, my old worn out gym pants are one of them. However still these are just stuff to me. Though I appreciate affection and happy memories with these possessions but these can’t be something more beyond papers and pants. However, there is only one thing that has something more, ‘my family’. I have spent the longest time with ‘my family’, and I have priceless memories with them more than anything, and their value is immeasurable. How can’t I choose ‘my family’ to be the most important possession? In particular for me the word ‘my family’ means fifteen people including me which are composed of five small families. These families are all rooted from my grandparents. Originally, my grandparents had two sons and two daughters. And eventually, it became fifteen people. Although five small families are all living in different places for instance Seoul, Sangju city, Pohang city and Gimcheon city but all the members are really tightly connected. All families have been gathered four times in every year in New Year's Day in the lunar calendar, Chuseok, my grandfather’s memorial ceremony and my grandmother’s birthday in my grandparents’ house in Gimcheon city. What is special in our family is that our family is full of laughter. I mean that my family will laugh a lot more than others even if I try to make fun of them with completely same joke. I think this is possible because there is strong spiritual bond among us and plus, in this kinds of relationships we have nothing to conceal to other family members. There are some memorable moments. In early stage, my family was economically poor. But we made happy memory in our own way by that time for example using bus for family trip for about five hours instead of using comfortable and fast cars. And as time passes there are two people who already went to heaven. And I know that I will die someday. But before I die I want to enjoy my life with my family. I would be glad to eat my grandmother’s and aunts’ handmade food even though I became really rich. And I would gather in my family meeting regardless of coming free trade agreement whether I become a president. Saying again 'my family' is all that I have.