A possesion that is the most important to me
I have a beautiful ring on my left hand which always keeps me happy, and this is a possession that I consider the most important. Because it is from my father, it is too special for me. My hometown is far away from Seoul. So, I have visited my hometown, Hongsung, from Seoul. At the beginning of 2011, When I visited home for the first time after leaving there, my father led me in a jewelry shop and bought me this silver ring. I was so impressed by his love. I always keep it in my hand until now, this moment. Then, let me explain the shape. As you can see above, it is a silver one, and it is decorated by round shape and oval shape. The round and oval shapes are connected one by one on the ring and there are cubics on each shape. The cubics on it are shining. I am very proud of it. However, because I wear it all the time, it is little bit worn out. That is, little bit scratched. I wear it on my forefinger of left hand, because it is too large for other fingers. Thanks to this, whenever I am, whatever I do, I feel comfortable. That is, It beyonds the most important thing. It is also my guardian which keeps me from feeling melancholy caused by living far away from family.
Hi this is Kahee.
ReplyDeleteI think your writing shows that you value the ring very much. But I think that the flow of your writing is not very natural. Maybe if you descripe how the ring looks like and then explain why it is so important to you, that could make it more natural. Also I would like to know more about how you got the ring from your father, like why he gave it to you on that day.
Hi, Youjin! I will write a comment following the Editor's checklist in our text.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I think your topic sentence clearly shows the thing you're about to describe. And the background story of your ring was informative and interesting as well. The readers could know when, where, and how you got the ring, and who gave it to you... But I don't think the sentence 'let me explain the shape' is necessary and suitable here. It will be better just to describe the ring without such signposting.
Overall, you described your ring well. I could imagine how it looks like, what color it is.
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