The memory of London
I have a bracelet which is really special for me because it reminds me a memory of the trip to London. During summer vacation last year, I decided to take a trip to Europe by myself. Starting my trip, I first visited London and stayed in a hostel near the King's Cross station. It was there that I met a lady from New Zealand who had been staying there looking for her new job and a place to stay. Since our beds were side by side, we had a lot of chances to talk to each other, and she kindly helped me set up my travel route. During the days in London, she had me visit some gorgeous restaurants and cafes as well as tourist attractions that I really loved. Though we couldn't spend a long time together, we got very close, and she seemed so sad when I told her that I should leave. Before I departed for Paris, she set me off at the station and handed a little box to me. There was a beautiful bracelet inside the box. It was made of silver and three flowers were decorated with a little baby angel adornment. It weighed a little more than I expected, but in my wrist, it seemed wonderfully charming because it shined when it was exposed to sunshine. The baby angel was dangling every time I moved, so that it made me feel cheerful enough. She said that the bracelet would keep me safe for the whole traveling period, and thanks to that, I guess I could really escape all the dangers. Although I cannot make a connection to her now, in Korea, anymore, I can still think of her and remind our warm memory when I see the bracelet lying in my jewel box.
Sorry, I made a small mistake with the title of the post. It had better be 'A possessionthat is importatn to me' not '~for me'. :)
ReplyDeleteHi! This is Youn Hee. I was fascinated by your travel story and I was surprised that you went to travel by yourself!
ReplyDelete1. I can see that you wrote the topic sentence when you started your paragraph. So I could know that you will describe your bracelet coming from London.
2. Yes, you said that there was a lady from New Zealand whose bed was beside you and that you two talked a lot and traveled together. And it was her who gave you that bracelet. I think you mentioned about this woman because you had to explain how did you get the bracelet and for what reason she gave it to you.
3. You wrote about of what the bracelet was made, and how does it look like. You described about its decorations on it too. And also you talked about how you feel when you're wearing it. It was nice to imagine about your bracelet.
4. I think that it would be great if you mentioned more about the bracelet. I can see that the topic sentence is talking about the bracelet but you wrote about the lady much more than your possession. However, I like the description of your bracelet. I was able to figure it out quickly in my mind.
5. Yes, I can see you restated your bracelet in the last sentence and that you're missing that lady. It's very kind of her that she gave you a gift even if you met her in the trip.
See you in class! :)
Hello I'm Yun You Jung. And this is the feedback based on our textbook.
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence?Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
I think your topic sentence is "I have a bracelet which is really special for me because it reminds me a memory of the trip to London.". In this, I could recognize what your possession is and why you keep it valuable.
2. Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
I can know background of your bracelet well because you explain it in detail. You said that you became familiar with a lady from New Zealand and were given the bracelet when you leave London. Since you write it as a story, I can read it with interest and can imagine the time when you travel vividly.
3. Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
Yes. Because the writer describe the material used to make the bracelet and decoration. Also she said what the bracelet means-the bracelet would keep me safe for the whole traveling period.
4. Does the writer use specific words in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
You used many specific words in this text. But in the sentens,"There was a beautiful bracelet inside the box.", it would be better if you add some details about box like the color, shape,or size of it.
5. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
The conclude sentence is "Although I cannot make a connection to her now, in Korea, anymore, I can still think of her and remind our warm memory when I see the bracelet lying in my jewel box.". In this sentence, I can recall that you cherish the bracelet and the topic sentence.
Thank you for your writing and see you in the next class:-)