In my life until today, there are a lot of things that I have to be thankful for. I have a younger sister who was born in 1994. When she was about 23months, she had a bloody excrement, and my family took her to the big hospital. A doctor told us that my sister had a serious disease. Actually, she only had a 50/50 chance of survival. It was a shock to our family, and my parents cried all day long. Fortunately, the surgery was successful. Although she has a big scar in her belly, she is still healthy until now, and that's something to be very tankful for. Also, I have a same experience like my sister. I had a disease named 'encephalomeningitis' which is very dangerous to the children who are under 13. I threw up with a fever all night, and made my parents worry about me. However, I conquered my disease after all. Even though many bad things happened in my life, I have a healthy family who can love each other until today. I am deeply thankful that I still have a chance to share my life with my family.
Hello, this is Dana Eun from your class! Here is my feedback for your paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this writing is that you have given a specific incident of your life that explains why you are thankful. It gives the reader the idea of how much you are thankful to your past life. Your main point seems to be your gratitude towards life and your family. I liked the word 'conquered' because it sounded strong and positive. There was not any part that I could not understand or seemed vague. The one change you could make that would improve your writing would be adding some more details. Your paragraph is quite short and not much elaborated to describe your life until now.
See you in class :)
Hi, my name is Jiyoung, and this is my comment on your writing.
ReplyDeleteFirst, i think you have appropriate examples for your topic sentence, I liked it. And i also feel sorry for you and your sister. And I am fond of your way writing like describing a story. That telling a story part was very smooth. But I think it would be a better writing if you add more support sentences other that the stories of you and your sister to describe your life until today. Then, see you in class :) !
Thank you for your comments!! Like you said, I have just wrote another detail and made it longer.^^
ReplyDeleteIn my life until today, there are a lot of things that I have to be thankful for. When I was a child, my younger sister had a very serious disease but she was cured after all. When she was about 23months , she had a bloody excrement, and my family took her to the big hospital. A doctor told us that my sister only had a 50/50 chance of survival. It was a shock to our family, and my parents cried all day long. Fortunately, the surgery was successful. Although she has a big scar in her belly, she is still healthy until now, and that's something to be very tankful f or. Also, I have a same experience like my sister. W hen I was an elementary school student, I had a disease named 'encephalomeningitis' which is very dangerous to the children who are under 13. I threw up with a fever all night, and made my parents worry about me. However, I conquered my disease after all. Actually, that wasn't the end of my thankful thing. I also had a hernia when I attended a high school. Because I tried to lift something very heavy, I ruptured myself and underwent the operation for t hat. But, I'm very well right now. Even though many bad things happened in my life, I have a healthy family who can love each other until today. I am deeply thankful that I still have a chance to share my life with my family.