I have stepped seemingly plain but rewarding track. I was born and raised
in Seoul until getting into middle school. I rarely remember my childhood there,
but my parents said that I liked drawing pictures and playing music. From their
caring, I learned to play piano for about ten years, and participated in several
competitions until I quit it due to school work. After my family moved to Ilsan,
I underwent exciting but rough times in middle and high school. I met some
impressive teachers and lovely friends who I still keep in touch with. In addition,
in the choir at high school, I was able to rewind myself during hectic semesters,
as well as learn cooperative spirit. When I've just entered university, I was full of
expectation that the campus life would be just awesome since my sister who is
twelve years older than me, always told me that university students can do
everything they want without a lot of kinds of pressure. Now I found that her
words were not 100% true, but still I surely spent my freshman and sophomore
years doing things that I dreamt before. For example, I explored new places
almost everyday with my friends after school, and restarted playing the piano.
Also, I got part time jobs in different fields, and earned money on my own for
the first time. It was so rewarding. Moreover, I participated in several circles in
school and made unforgettable memories with the members. All these
experiences gave great meanings to me in terms of learning precious lessons
and getting valuable people in my life. Now, as a junior, I have to prepare for
my second life. Since I've got more as I get older, and I feel myself being more
positive over time, I expect coming days would be also bright.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo Lee Myungjae from Park Jae Hyun Assingnment My life until today
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about your writing is your usage of words. In particular, the very sentence opening your story “I have stepped seemingly plain but rewarding track.” is really interesting to me. I really wonder how come this sentence is made. Because I have no background in English speaking countries it is very hard for me to find out that this expression is used in common. However, I got the notion that this sentence is perhaps directly translated from Korean into English. If it is true, I hope discussion may take place during our class. Discussion about whether Korean directly translated style English is preferable or not could be useful to students like me who don’t have long period experience in English speaking countries. For me it is preferable because various expressions from various cultural backgrounds can make English very rich in terms of expressions and words.
Your main point seems to be your expectation about your campus life throughout your life until now because roughly half of your writing is about somehow related to your university life starting from your sister’s comment.
These particular words or lines struck me as powerful. As I wrote above the first opening line was really interesting because it was something new to me.
In particular “Now, as a junior, I have to prepare for my second life.” Is not that clear to me. Maybe you wanted to stress that your attitude opening New Year in HUFS as a junior. However, considering the flow of your writing in particular sentences around the sentence which I mentioned the expression “second life” feels like sudden obstacle in a road. I think this part could be improved by giving reasons why you especially wanted to use “second life” for example describing specific occasion.
Overall your writing is good. But the one change you could make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is putting more “Lee Myungjae” to front. What I mean is I cannot really recognize “Lee Myungjae” after reading your writing. If you gave a little detailed information about your piano competition or experience in choir your writing would represent more or introduce more you to readers. I don’t know that you just don’t want to tell class about your story inside your mind because we are not that friendly yet or you omit all the stories intentionally because what you will going to write about is overall story of your life in one paragraph. But anyway I find your writing is really interesting and thanks for giving me a chance to know “Lee Myungjae”. See you in class!
I'm Lee Myungjae. Here is my second draft. My Life Until Now - I have stepped seemingly plain but rewarding track. I was born and raised in Seoul until getting into middle school. I rarely remember my childhood there, but my parents said that I was a shy girl who liked to draw pictures and playing music. From their caring, I learned to play piano for about ten years, and participated in several competitions until I quit it due to school work. After my family moved to Ilsan, I underwent exciting but rough times in middle and high school. I met some impressive teachers and lovely friends who I still keep in touch with. In addition, in the choir at high school, I was able to rewind myself during hectic semesters, as well as learn cooperative spirit. My personality became more open-minded and considerate. When I've just entered university, I was full of expectation that the campus life would be just awesome since my sister who is twelve years older than me, always told me that university students can do everything they want without a lot of kinds of pressure. Now I found that her words were not 100% true, but still I surely spent my freshman and sophomore years doing things that I dreamt before. For example, I explored new places almost everyday with my friends after school, and restarted playing the piano. Also, I got part time jobs in different fields, and earned money on my own for the first time. It was so rewarding. Moreover, I participated in several circles in school and made unforgettable memories with the members. All these experiences gave great meanings to me in terms of learning precious lessons and getting valuable people in my life. Now, as a junior, it’s time to give a serious consideration about what I really want to do after graduation. It’s like preparing my second life. I am ready to strive for achieving my dream. Since I've got more as I get older, and I feel myself being more positive over time, I expect coming days would be also bright.
ReplyDelete