My 20 year life has been filled with all kinds of people and events. Since born in 1993, I have lived in almost same place in Jamsil, Seoul and gone through the schools and enjoyed the whole life in school with almost same people. As I am the only child in my home, when I was little I usually hanged out with friends and spend time with them. The friends met at this time still have been my most precious ones that I tried to keep up the good relationship. While enjoying school life, I met two teachers who gave me the confidence and dream about being teacher like them. From that moment, I have never changed my dream of being teacher. After having hard time studying in high school, I came to HUFS to learn and to be an English teacher. Last year, the first year in HUFS was more memorable time than anytime I can think of. I did a lot of things that I have always dreamed of and met various kinds of people. I have been enjoying the whole activities and events that I made on our own with my new but beloved people. For the last 20 years, there has been many people around me and they influenced my life a lot.
Hi, Yoon-jung! This is Jae-Hun Lee. And I'll give some feedback on your writing.
ReplyDelete1. What I like the most about your writing is that whole paragraph well describes your growth process.
2. Your main point seems to be explain your dream and your freshman life. "After having hard time studying in high school, I came to HUFS to learn and to be an English teacher. Last year, the first year in HUFS was more memorable time than anytime I can think of." T think these two sentences are the main point in this paragraph.
3. I like fluent flow in this paragraph. I think sentenses are well organized.
Thanks and see you tomorrow!
Hi, Yoon-jung! I'm Takgyun!
ReplyDeleteDifferent from ordinary essays, you put a strong first sentence, which means through your first sentence, I could guess what you would be talking about. Following the first sentence, the paragraph was about the people you have met. The paragraph is well organized with the story of people you met according to the steps of your life. But, I could not find many events you went through in this paragraph. I think your paragraph can be improved by adding your memorable experiences more.
I liked this sentence: "The friends met at this time still have been my most precious ones that I tried to keep up the good relationship." It reminded me of my friends in Daegu. Though we are far apart, we try to keep in touch as well. Also, the sentence: "From that moment, I have never changed my dream of being teacher." I was really happy to see that you want to be an English teacher just like me and that you had a good time at HUFS English education last year!
Thank you and see you soon!^^
Second draft
ReplyDeleteMy 20 year life has been filled with all kinds of people and events. Since born in 1993, I have lived in almost same place in Jamsil, Seoul and gone through the schools and enjoyed the whole life in school with almost same friends. As I am the only child in my home, when I was little, I usually hung out with friends and spend time with them. We shared a lot of times together doing homework, playing, talking, shopping, traveling. The friends met at this time and things that we did together still have been my most precious memories that I tried to keep up the good relationship. Also, while enjoying school life, I met two teachers who gave me the confidence and dream about being teacher like them. From that moment, I have never changed my dream of being teacher. After having hard time studying in high school, I came to HUFS to learn and to be an English teacher. Last year, the first year in HUFS was most memorable time that I can think of in my life time. I did a lot of things that I have always dreamed of like doing backpacking and met various kinds of people. I have been enjoying the whole activities and events that I made on our own with my new but beloved people. For the last 20 years, there has been many people around me and they influenced my life a lot. My life doesn't seem so special. However, for me, for the people around me and the events between us, it is a satisfying and valuable life until now.