What's important to me is my Polaroid camera. Because it was the first time that I saved money to buy something, so this camera is really meaningful and important to me. At the first time, I wanted to buy a digital camera. But one day, there was a Polaroid ad on TV and Song Joong-Gi(a Korean actor) appeared in that commercial ad. Actually, I watched it because I liked the actor. And then, it was the time that I started to have interests on the Polaroid camera. Also, it was when I was attracted by its functions. So, I decided to buy a Polaroid camera than to buy a digital one. The camera that I bought is made of plastic and it's brown. There were a white one and a pink one but the brown one caught my eyes. I don't know but when I saw the brown color, I felt a warm impression. It's a little big to take it with me but it's not a problem because it's not so heavy. It costs a lot to buy the film. However, I don't have to spend much money buying the film because I use the camera only when I want to keep a special moment. And I love the sound when the photo is coming out. It makes me expecting and I can't wait to look at it. I like that I can feel and touch the memories I had when I take pictures with it. And I also like to think that maybe the photo that I take will be a one and only picture that I can share with my friends or family. It has a different feeling to the pictures in my mobile phone. I think that I won't show a strong attachment to any other Polaroid camera than mine, so I will cherish it all the time that I could take photos even when I will get older.
To Youn Hee Kim From Jae Hyun Park
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence? Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
I can find your topic sentence clearly. As I read your first sentence I noticed your favorite possession is Polaroid camera and you are going to describe it.
2. Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
You have interesting background information about it. This camera is the first time of you buying things with your own by saving money. And in particular you come to buy this mostly because of its advertisement made by your favorite male celebrity. You loved this advertisement so much that you even made up mind to buy Polaroid camera instead of digital camera which was your initial choice.
3. Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
As I read descriptions about your camera, I find your camera is made of plastic and it has brown color and it is little big but light and it has interesting sound when it takes a photo. Sorry but I have no idea about the camera which was advertised by entertainer you like so it is little hard to get an idea. In particularly I think you have many rooms to add some more detailed description here so that I can make a vivid image through your descriptions.
4. Does the writer use specific words (instead of general terms) in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
Generally your writing is good. I really enjoyed it. Your motive of buying camera is funny and I could clearly feel your affection toward it getting through your overall writing. However there are some parts that could be improved by specifying. As I already mentioned your writing could be really improved by reviewing descriptions about camera. And it will be more wonderful if you give us what functions in camera which lured you. And tell me about advertisement little bit more. What was it like that you even changed your mind?
5. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
What's important to me is my Polaroid camera.
I think that I won't show a strong attachment to any other Polaroid camera than mine, so I will cherish it all the time that I could take photos even when I will get older.
By comparing two sentences I feel that you have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence.
P.S. Wow, I really learned a lot by myself. Thank you very much Youn Hee Kim!!
Hi, This is SunGyung Kim and this is my comment on your writing.
ReplyDelete1. Your paragraph have a topic sentence which says that 'What's important to me is my Polaroid camera'. The following two sentences also tell me that you will talk about your Polaroid camera.
2. background information is well described in this paragraph. you said that you got interested in the TV ad because of the actor promoting that and this changed your mind into buying a polaroid camera rather than a digital one.
3. Details are quite well described here too. I can know the color, how big is it, and what kind of feelings we can get thanks to your description.
4. You used color names to describe the camera. But I cannot find any other specific words as part of your description. This made me little disappointed, but the whole paragraph is still not that bad.
5. You put adjectives like 'big' to discribe your camera. However, I think this is not enough. It would be better if you describe it more specific. y For example, you can tell us how big it is compared to your other belongings. Revising this will improve your writing far more better.
6. In this paragraph, your usage of adjectives were fine.
7. The concluding sentence is especially good and this is what I like the most about your paragraph. 'I think that I won't show a strong attachment to any other Polaroid camera than mine, so I will cherish it all the time that I could take photos even when I will get older.' This is your concluding sentence and it shows that you feel really strongly about the camera. :)