Some coins from Philippines.
I have some coins and it always stay in roaster shaped plate. Those came from Philippines about three years ago. Sometimes I look at them and think about memory of Philippines. When I was 18 years old, I went to Philippines to volunteer. It was my first overseas trip. So I was really excited about it and I expected something about Philippines for example, nice people, beautiful weather and sweet fruits. I knew that trip for volunteer but program had tour course so I expected these things. When I went to Philippines street I was shocked. I was in the car with opened windows, and many poor kids came to us and told us "Give me one dollar." It was really shocked to me because I never expected such that things. But it was just beginning. When I arrived at the promised place, the situation there was worse. I taught them basic level origami. It was shocking to them (kids and even adults) because they couldn't get any education. For them I was kind of rock star. One of girl came to me and she said "I want to contact with you. Please give me your address." So I said "My address is complicated to you so let me give you my e-mail address." And then she said "What is e-mail?" She didn't know e-mail, internet and computer even though telephone! I was shocked and I couldn't say anything. But I don't want to let her depressed, so I gave her my address. Then she gave me some coins. It was less money even I couldn't exchange for Korean money. The last day in Philippines I shopped, and I saw unusual roaster shaped plate so I bought it. Until today I keep coins in roaster shaped plate. It's meaningful and touching for me. Sometime I saw them and think about poor kids in Philippines.
To Sora Kim from Jae Hyun Park
ReplyDelete1.Does the paragraph have a topic sentence? Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
As I read your topic sentence, it was little unclear to me if your writing is focusing on coins or roaster shaped plate. Although I already noticed that you are going to describe coins as a favorite possession from title, ‘some coins from Philippines’, but only considering topic sentence without title it is little vague.
2.Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
Your background information is really touching. You went to the Philippines for volunteer work. And you met many people in there. But you were really surprised and shocked by seeing their actual life because their life was beyond your expectation. However, you taught them origami and local people really liked you. And one innocent girl came to you asking your address. You gave her e-mail first but she didn’t know what the internet is. You felt pity on her and gave her your address and she gave coins in return.
3.Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
I guess that the coins are your favorite possessions not because they are pretty or something but because the coins remind you memory with one innocent Pilipino girl. As I wrote for question above those backgrounds are well illustrated. Yeah, basically I like your approaching this assignment not like others who mainly focus on possessions’ appearance but you are trying to describe how you got it. It is interesting.
4.Does the writer use specific words (instead of general terms) in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
I just wrote your way of approaching is great. Yeah still great but I think if you add some detailed information about coin itself it will be super great. I guess coins status could be really bad. For instance, ‘they may be covered by rust or have stinky smell but you still keep it because of memory with girl and your impression related to people living in a bad condition’ so readers can make vivid situation in their mind.
5.Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
I have some coins and it always stay in roaster shaped plate.
Sometime I saw them and think about poor kids in Philippines.
I say that your concluding sentence is restating your topic sentence. But how about removing ‘roaster shaped plate’ part or add some explanations why they are special to you. I think what you are stressing should be the coins not the roaster shaped plate. I feel plate part is even quite distracting.
P.S. However I really enjoyed your writing and I find myself growing by writing comments. Thank you and see you in class Sora Kim!
Hi, Sora. It's Ji-young from writing class. Your topic sentence which is also your first sentence, seems to be clear enough to explain what you are going to talk about. And I liked the connecting part you wrote to explain how you get the coins. And the background of getting the coins was very touching. I could feel how important and meaningful those coins are to you. And the details you used for describing were nice, for example, writing 'Give me one dollar' really explained what situation they are in. I also liked that you just show the conversation between you and that girl. It was more powerful that any other specific words in this writing. It has details and it is clear to explain that situation. And the concluding part was nice also. It feels like it's connecting to the first part of this writing. But I think it would be a better writing if you use various words, like synonyms. Writing various words would be better that keep describing your emotion just as 'I was shocked.' BYE;)
ReplyDeleteSome coins from Philippines.
ReplyDeleteI have some blurry run down coins. They are not pretty and I couldn’t exchange it because they’re small enough sums. Those came from Philippines about three years ago. Sometimes I look at them and think about memory of Philippines. When I was 18 years old, I went to Philippines to volunteer. It was my first overseas trip. So I was really excited about it and I expected something about Philippines for example, nice people, beautiful weather and sweet fruits. I knew that trip for volunteer but program had tour course so I expected these things. When I went to Philippines street I was shocked. I was in the car with opened windows, and many poor kids came to us and told us “Give me one dollar.” It was really shocked to me because I never expected such that things. But it was just beginning. When I arrived at the promised place, the situation there was worse. I taught them basic level origami. It was shocking to them (kids and even adults) because they couldn’t get any education. For them I was kind of rock star. One of girl came to me and she said “I want to contact with you. Please give me your address.” So I said “My address is complicated to you so let me give you my e-mail address.” And then she said “What is e-mail?” She didn’t know e-mail, internet and computer even though telephone! I was shocked and I couldn’t say anything. But I don’t want to let her depressed, so I gave her my address. Then she gave me some coins. It was less money even I couldn’t exchange for Korean money. The last day in Philippines I shopped, and I saw unusual roaster shaped plate so I bought it. Until today I keep coins. It’s meaningful and touching for me. Sometime I saw them and think about poor kids in Philippines. I try to live in a modest way, and thank for everything what I got.