People usually take their important stuff with them. I also take it wherever I go. For me, that important stuff is my cellular phone. The cell phone means more special to me because of the promise that I made with my mom. I promised my mom not to use my cell phone for 2 years when I was in high school. So I know the difficulty of living without cell phone. I could contact to them only when I was 'with' them, I couldn't call nor text to them. For a girl who wanted to chat with her friend, it was harsh. Like most people, to me, cell phone is important for entertaining reason. On my way to school, I always take subway. In the subway, the only thing I can do is standing in the crowd. I can't read a book while I am standing on the shaking train. Therefore, browsing the Internet with my phone became the thing that amuses me on my way to school. In other situations, like waiting for someone, the entertaining function can be the worthwhile time-killer. Cell phone can be a crown as well as contacting device to me.
Hi, I'm Yun You Jung and Thank you for your writing. And this is the feedback based on our textbook.
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence?Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
Maybe your topic sentence is "For me, that important stuff is my cellular phone.". I can recognize what your valuable possession is through this sentence. Plus, your first sentence is like the form of news, and I think this is good because it make this writing more interesting.
2. Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
In this text, I can know the story which make the writer cherish her cellular phone. And since the writer expain the reason why she cherish it in detail, I can agree with her. Also, I can remind the importance of cellular phone.
3. Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
There are many sentences about background infromation and the reason why the writer keep the cellular phone valuable. But I can't find descriptive detail about the cellular itself. So I can't imagine what it looks like. If you add details about color, size, shape, and so on of your possession, it would be better writing.
4. Does the writer use specific words in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
As I write above, if you add specific words about appearance of your cellular phone, this writing would be more specific.
5. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
The concluding sentence is "Cell phone can be a crown as well as contacting device to me.". I can recall how you cherish your cellular phone. Of course, it restates the topic sentence well.
I can read your writing interestingly. Thank you and see you next class!
Hello Ji-Young! My name is Jeong Hyen Joo. This is my feedback based on page 42.
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence? Can you identify the possession the writer will describe?
Yes. I think the topic sentence of this paragraph is that the most important possession is a cell phone. So, I can identify that the writer will describe something about the cell phone.
2. Does the writer provide background information about the possession? If so, write it here.
Yes. There is a sentence which is about her mother and the cell phone. Because her mother prohibited her from using a cell phone, she could realize how much important the cell phone is.
3. Does the paragraph have enough descriptive details to make the description clear to the reader?
Actually, I can't see the descriptive details about the cell phone. Although there was a lot of reason why she like the cell phone best, I can't find any details that describe the cell phone.
4. Does the writer use specific words in the description? If there are words that could be more specific, write them here.
Because there isn't any specific words about the cell phone, I think it would be better if the writer describes about the color or shape of the cell phone.
5. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
Yes, I think the concluding sentence is "Cell phone can be a crown as well as contacting device to me." It is a very good conclusion because it summarizes the whole sentences and makes it clear about the thing the writer has talked.
It was a really good paragraph. I can feel why you like the cell phone best. It would be better if you add more details about the cell phone. Thank you!
People usually take their important stuff with them. I also take it wherever I go. For me, that important stuff is my cellular phone. The cell phone means more special to me because of the promise that I made with my mom. I promised my mom not to use my cell phone for 2 years when I was in high school. So I know the difficulty of living without cell phone. I could contact to them only when I was 'with' them, I couldn't call nor text to them. For a girl who wanted to chat with her friend, it was harsh. Right now, I have my phone, iphone 3. Although it's not recent version of the iphone, I appreciate that I have it. It's black one with rounding edges. But I dropped it a lot, so there are many scratches on the back. So I take protecting case with the phone. Like most people, to me, cell phone is important for entertaining reason. On my way to school, I always take subway. In the subway, the only thing I can do is standing in the crowd. I can't read a book while I am standing on the shaking train. Therefore, browsing the Internet with my phone became the thing that amuses me on my way to school. In other situations, like waiting for someone, the entertaining function can be the worthwhile time-killer. Cell phone can be a crown as well as contacting device to me.
ReplyDelete