I have become who I am today through some turning points. I was very shy and strange girl back then. I was an outsider. I didn't get along with people , and I had a very few friends At the age of 16, I went to US as an exchange student by myself. This was the first turning point. I knew no one over there at the first time, so I had to reach up to the others. I've learned not only English but also how to associate with diverse kind of people. I became more open to others. After I came back to Korea my relationships with others changed, and I made more friends, but still, I had fear of standing in front of the others. Last year I participated in student council work as the representative of German Major class of 11'. I took part in planning events, improving student welfare, and etc. Through these I had lots of chances of speaking in front of the others, leading groups, and planning big or small events. I became more confident and more sociable. I think my life so far has made me a better person.
Hi! this is Kahee Lee.
ReplyDeleteYour topic sentence really interested me.
You showed one of your turning point and also explained how that chaged you.
I think your paragrahp would be better if you introduced some other turning points,since you mentioned that there where more than one.
In this paragrahp however, I could only find one, which was you going abroad as an exchange student.
Hi Min Kyong! I'm Jeong Hyun Joo.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this piece of writing is that there isn't any kind of unneccessary sentences. It is united as a one topic.
Your main point seems to be the important turning point in your life.
I think it's a really good paragraph because I can feel the emotion which you have showed in your writing. Also, because I can see the progress of someone's life, I like the sentence ;"I became more confident and more sociable."
However, I feel something wanting in this writing. Because it is about 'My Life', I think it will be better if there is another story about your life. At least two or three experience might be good to add to your writing.
After all, it is a good writing. I can see that you really put your effort in this paragrah. It will be more delightful if your writing has more variety.
To Minkyong Sohn From Minju Yeo
ReplyDeleteAssignment: My life until today.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it is very organized. Also it is easy to read because it's analyzed in time order.
2. Your main point seems to be overcoming your shyness and strangeness through any experiences.
3. 'turning point' was the most powerful word that struck me, because It made me wonder what the turning points are before I read the paragraph.
4. 'student welfare' I think you need to explain more about what the 'student welfare' is.
5. To improve your writing, I think you need more transitional words. Sometimes sentences are not connected clearly. Add some transitional words between sentences and it would improve your writing a lot.
After all, what an interesting story! It's surprising that you have almost the same story as mine.
Here's my second draft!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have become who I am today through some turning points. I was very shy and strange girl back then. I was an outsider. I didn't get along with people, and I had a very few friends. At the age of 16, I went to US as an exchange student by myself. This was the first turning point. I knew no one over there at the first time, so I had to reach up to the others. I've learned not only English but also how to associate with diverse kind of people. After all , I became more open to others. After I came back to Korea my relationships with others changed, and I made more friends, but still, I had fear of standing in front of the others. This, I’ve got over through my second turning point. Last year I participated in student council work as the representative of German Major, class of 11'. I took part in planning events, improving student welfare such as keeping our home room clean or giving them information that might be useful but not known, and etc. Through these I had lots of chances of speaking in front of the others, leading groups, and planning big or small events. I became more confident and more sociable person. Indeed, my life so far has made me a better person.