The Best Place to Live In
When it comes to the problem of picking the best place to live in, I would definitely choose Blacksburg. This small countryside town is located in Virginia of the United States. It is not a big city, but it is very convenient to live in. For example, there is a pretty big square where all the markets and restaurants are located, so that you can always do small shopping or watch movies. Moreover, there are some great schools in Blacksburg: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg High School, Blacksburg Middle School, and KIPPS Elementary School. These are all qualified schools with great facilities and teachers. But the best thing about this small village is its wonderful nature. Since it is located in high above the Mountain Rocky, the air is always very fresh. There exist a big cow farm and a horse farm—during the winter, with snow covering the most parts of the farm, it looks like a pretty village in Swiss! I had a great opportunity to live here during 2005 to 2006. I believe Blacksburg is the best place to live in and how can I possibly forget this beautiful town!
Hi Chai Hyeon this is Kim Ji Su.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you writing was very descriptive.
I've never heard a name "Blacksburg" before.
However through your writing I could easily portray the view and scenery.
I like the fact that you tried elaborate lots of detials of that place.
However it would have been mor organized if you elaborate the writing in a certain order.
For instance you can use first, second, third to show your flow of writing.
Also the writing seems a little bit distracted because you used too much details in it. Over using of adjectives might be the problem.
Such as " always very fresh", "qualified schols" ..
The writing would have been more clear if you cut out those adjectives a lit bit.
Thank you.
Hi.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your paragraph and thank you for it.
You wrote lots of detailed facts about the city you'd chosen. I think they are effective supportive details for your main opinion.
But, I think it could have been better if you'd use signposting to show the structure of the paragraph. For example, you could've used "first, second, third..." at the beginning of the sentenceses that are suggesting the main reasons; education, beutiful scenery...
And I don't like your last sentence: how can i possbly.... because it is not functioning as an effective conclusing sentence. Your main point is that the blackburg is a good city to live. Your experience is a good example that supports the main point, but it shouldn't be the mainpoint itself.
See you.