Why I chose this for present
I have a boyfriend who is on military duty. And he has a hard time at these days. So I decided to give a present for him. I start to think which one is the best. First, I think about his hobby. His hobby is reading books. So I decided to buy a book for him. But he read various kinds of books. I keep thinking about his hobby. His second hobby is drawing. He always draws something. And he is very interested in design. Especially about brand's logo designs. Third, so he wants to be a brand's logo designer in the future. He has clear goal and hot passion about his dream. He really wants to be a logo designer and wants to success as a logo designer. At last, I decide to buy a book about logo design. Because that I really want to help him as his girlfriend. And I want to encourage his dream. I sent it a week ago. In these days, he has a hard time and being less confident about his dream than before. As his girlfriend, I think how to encourage him. And finally, I decided to buy a book about logo designs.
Hi, sora. I'm yoon jung from your class!
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your paragraph, I can understand how you feel about choosing the present for boyfriend who is on military duty. Because I'm gonna soon be in the same situation as you :(
Anyway, I think your topic sentence is that you decided to give a present for you boyfriend. And you use time order words like first, third, at last. But I think one thing you could improve is the part you consider what books you are gonna buy. I think rather than writing 'his second hobby is drawing', I think you could write sentence 'second, I keep thinking aboout his another hobby.'. In that way the reader can identify your process more easy.
Hello, Sora! I’m Jeong Hyen Joo, and this is my feed back.
ReplyDeleteI think your main point is that you choose the book as a gift because of your boyfriend’s hobby. So your topic sentence is “So I decided to buy a book for him.” What I like about this paragraph is that I could understand why you choose the book for your boyfriend’s gift. There are certain steps that explain the way you make a decision. But what I like to change about this writing is about the time order. Although you used it correctly, I think the contents are not in order. You mentioned “I think about his hobby” in the first step. Then you made a sentence, “ His second hobby is drawing.” It doesn’t match. Next time you revise your paragraph, it would be better if you make your steps more coherent.
Thanks, and see you in class!
Why I chose this for present
ReplyDeleteI have a boyfriend who is on military duty. And he has a hard time at these days. So I decided to give a present for him. I start to think which one is the best. First, I think about his hobby. His hobby is reading books. So I decided to buy a book for him. But he read various kinds of books. I keep thinking about his hobby. Second, his other hobby is drawing. He always draws something. And he is very interested in design. Especially about brand’s logo designs. Third, so he wants to be a brand’s logo designer in the future. He has clear goal and hot passion about his dream. He really wants to be a logo designer and wants to success as a logo designer. At last, I decide to buy a book about logo design. Because that I really want to help him as his girlfriend. And I want to encourage his dream. I sent it a week ago. In these days, he has a hard time and being less confident about his dream than before. As his girlfriend, I think how to encourage him. And finally, I decided to buy a book about logo designs.