Sometimes, Hint is very simple.
It was parents' day a few days ago. I wanted a special gift that can make my mother the happiest mother in the world. So I asked her what she wants, and she gave me a kind of hint-"sweetie, I want to look younger and more beautiful."
To find out, I asked my father whether she could handle and like his smartphone. If she does, I was about to buy her a new smartphone so that she would get into a new world of information and it would let her feel fresh, and younger than before. But the answer was negative. She has even described the smartphone as a stupid jerk. (Surely, she was mad because the smart phone wasn't obedient to her clumsy order.)
Then I tried to check her closet and find what lacks and what she will need in this spring and summer season. But as I did, the closet was filled with so colorful clothes and accessories, which seem to become trendy soon. Things turned out that a few days ago, she went to shopping and refreshed her closet with the latest fashion style. Continuing, I moved into the shoe rack. But what I found was quite shocking. She has even equipped with what I have not got yet-Hunter rain boots.
A night, I was lying myself down sideways on her bed and looking her applying anti-wrinkle cream richly on her face. She looked at herself into the mirror in every angle and sighed. "I am getting more wrinkles." Then something rushed upon my mind. She wanted indeed to be younger. Next day, I brought her to a famous dermatologist, and get her Botox on the part she has wrinkles. Two days later, she was so satisfied with her resilient face and said to me affectionately. "Thank you, my daughter."
Hi. I'm sora.
ReplyDeleteYour paragraph tells a story using process. I think this is an interesting way. But the process is a little bit disordered.
Thank you!
Hi, this is Youn Hee of the writing class and I’m giving you feedback on your paragraph!
ReplyDeleteI think the topic sentence is “I wanted a special gift that can make my mother the happiest mother in the world.” and the topic sentence contains a controlling idea which is “that can make my mother the happiest mother in the world”. You wrote several sequences of steps like asking to your father, checking your mom’s clothes and shoes. But you didn’t use time order words like “first”, “next”, “finally” to separate the steps. Neither the imperatives nor the modals were used to express advice, necessity and prohibitions. I don’t see any concluding sentence: it is a paragraph showing what happened to you and what you did to your mom. Your sentences are capitalized and punctuations are put at the end.
Thanks and see you in class!! :)
It was parents' day a few days ago. I wanted a special gift that can make my mother the happiest mother in the world. So I asked her what she wants, and she gave me a kind of hint-"sweetie, I want to look younger and more beautiful."
ReplyDeleteFirst, to find out what she meant, I asked my father whether she could handle and like his smartphone. If she does, I was about to buy her a new smartphone so that she would get into a new world of information and it would let her feel fresh, and younger than before. But the answer was negative. She has even described the smartphone as a stupid jerk. (Surely, she was mad because the smart phone wasn't obedient to her clumsy order.)
Then I tried to check her closet and find what lacks and what she will need in this spring and summer season. But as I did, the closet was filled with so colorful clothes and accessories, which seem to become trendy soon. Things turned out that a few days ago, she went to shopping and refreshed her closet with the latest fashion style. Continuing, I moved into the shoe rack. But what I found was quite shocking. She has even equipped with what I have not got yet-Hunter rain boots.
A night when I got to know what she meant, I was lying myself down sideways on her bed and looking her applying anti-wrinkle cream richly on her face. She looked at herself into the mirror in every angle and sighed. "I am getting more wrinkles." Then something rushed upon my mind. She wanted indeed to be younger. Next day, I brought her to a famous dermatologist, and get her Botox on the part she has wrinkles. Two days later, she was so satisfied with her resilient face and said to me affectionately. "Thank you, my daughter." Seeing her happiest face I have ever seen (I don't know it is thanks to me or the power of medical development) I realized that sometimes the hint is found nearer than I think.