(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12Jon H. Bahk-HalbergPark Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411 Due date: 2012/5/10 Topic: A process paragraph that explains the steps for choosing a special gift for someone you love.
How I Choose Girl's Gift Here are my steps to choose gift. I got this process recalling the time when I gave present to girl for the first time. Although I am not suave and debonair man and I always wear loose fitting clothes so that I can sit on a library chair for a long time and I am definitely boring boy from countryside, however there was short moment when I contemplate to choose a gift for a girl. First, you should talk a lot with person who you want to give present to know what he/she wants. For this, I paid extra attention on daily conversations with her and got an idea about what she nearly needed, because I really did not want my present to be put in a box for the reason that it is unnecessary for her. This is mainly because not to assume that what you like is also what other people like. With this, I found out that at that time she was lack of food in her refrigerator because she almost spent her pocket money and she really concerned about it. Second, you better consider receiver's situation. I found out that she lives alone near HUFS because she came from other part in Republic of Korea and she more likes to cook by herself than just simply eat out in small restaurants. And there was E-mart close to her place. I decided to give her a gift card of E-mart. I thought this would be perfect present for her. This card can help to fill her refrigerator with delicious food and she can start to cook delicious food. Finally, for the perfect gift not only choosing gift but also manner of giving present is very important. I waited her birthday and gave it to her on that day 7 o'clock in the morning which would be probably the first time when she just opened her eyes. The result? She really liked it. |
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Jae Hyun Park/A process paragraph that explains the steps for choosing a special gift for someone you love/ Mon 9. am
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Hi. This is Lee Myungjae.
ReplyDeleteYou really made it to give a useful gift to your friend. I'd like to be given those kinds of gifts other than needless accessories..The topic sentence of your writing is 'here are my steps to choose a gift' at the beginning. You provided background information as your experience of choosing a gift for your mate. Time order words I found in it are 'first, second, and finally'. and by suggesting the result like 'The result? she really liked it', you inferred that this process works well. Also, concluding sentence and the main idea match well. However, I think your writing needs to be cut and reorganized in overall because some sentences are too long to follow at a look, and they sometimes mingle together losing the point. For example, I stopped at the sentence and reread it; 'I found out that at that time she was lack of food in her refrigerator because she almost spent her pocket money and she really concerned about it'. I think it would be better to remove 'she really concerned about it' because it's confusing if it comes with 'found out that' in the front or 'because' in the back.. There are similar sentences in the writing too. They could be much improved by proper cutting and restructuring. Bye!
(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12
ReplyDeleteJon H. Bahk-Halberg
Park Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411
Draft2
Topic: A process paragraph that explains the steps for choosing a special gift for someone you love.
How Choose Girl’s Gift As Boy
Choosing a girl’s gift as a boy is demanding because boys rarely give presents. I mean you really don’t want to just buy something from mart and give it to your princess, right? I will teach you how to give special gift to your lover. First, you should talk a lot with person to know what he/she wants. For this, I paid extra attention on daily conversations with her and got an idea about what she really needed. By doing this, you can prevent your present to be put in a box for the reason that it is unnecessary. This is essential because of the fact that what you like is most of the time different from what other people like. At that time, I noticed that she lacked food in refrigerator while she was already out of money for that month. Second, you better consider receiver’s situation. I found out that she lives alone near HUFS leaving rest of her family in other city far from Seoul. Plus, she more likes to cook by herself than just simply eat out in restaurants. In addition, there was E-mart close to her place. Combining those, I decided to give her a gift card of E-mart. This card can help to fill her refrigerator with delicious food allowing her to food to keep her healthy. Finally for the perfect gift, not only choosing gift but also manner of giving present is very important. I waited her birthday and gave it to her on that day 7 o’clock in the morning which would be probably the first time when she just opened her eyes. The result? She really liked it.