| Travel to friends' mind
In the last Children's day, I went to kangwondo province with my friends in church. In fact, one of my friends suggested going somewhere for spending holiday well not wasting. I was so excited because it was first time to travel with friends without alcohol (in university, I always have to be with it) and even parents. First we divided role to prepare stuffs needed for eating. We got on bus and the bus reached Durae in kanwondo province. When we reached there, it was so pretty. Although night, we could feel the beautiful scenery of nature. The air was so fresh. There were many tall trees and we felt as if we were encircled by them. We were so happy seeing those spectacles. At that time we felt ourselves being children given a gift from nature. After enjoying them, we ate dinner samgyepsal. After eating, we all sit in front of fire. That is, we did camp fire. One of my friends shared her weakness that she couldn't have revealed to anyone before. I was so impressed and appreciated by not only she told us her secret but also I could feel listening her problems made her better. Sometimes, we even couldn't understand each other though we gather together for the purpose of understanding each other in church. However, thanks to her confession, we could reflect ourselves and be one. In conclusion, travel to kangwondo was not a travel to nature which is far away from seoul, pollutant city, but also travel to my friends who I couldn't understand.
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Thursday, May 31, 2012
Kim youjin// narrative
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Hi, I'm sora.
ReplyDeleteYour paragraph is pretty good. But I want to suggest something to be get better. I hope you use more sensory words. You wrote kangwondo's nature was so beautiful. If you write more details about spectacle, that would be better. And it was little bit hard to find topic sentence. I guess your topic sentence is it was great time because I could listen friend's mind. But it is hard to find it.
Thank you!
Hello, Youjin. I’m Jeong Hyen Joo, and this ismy feedback.
ReplyDeleteI think your main point is that you traveled to kangwondo, and also to your friend’s mind. So, your topic sentence is “travel to kanogwondo was not a travel to nature which is far away from seoul, pollutant city, but also travel to my friends who I couldn’t understand.” What I liked about this paragraph is that you used a lot of sensory details and emotional details. Also, I liked your story because it wasn’t common like other travel stories. But there is something that I want to change in this writing. It would be better if you add more specific information about your experience. I think it can make your writing more interesting.
Thank you, and see you next time!