A few months ago when I visited Tokyo for a week, I experienced an unexpected incident on our way back to the airport. The departure time for our plane home was in the morning, and the airport was quite far from our friend's house where we were staying. We were worried that we might not be able to wake up in time for our flight so we decided to spend our last night at the airport. We went to the train station and bought the ticket for the last airport express. We read the time printed on the ticket and it was written 21:10. However when we went to the platform to get on the train a few hours later, the train wasn't there. We had a bad feeling and checked our tickets again. To our surprise, the time we saw was not the departure time, but the arrival time. We ran to the station office and asked the staffs if there were any other way to get to the airport, but they all said that we will have to wait until the next day to catch the first train. When I heard that I just felt frustrated thinking that we will have to carry all our heavy bags back to our friends and it would be the middle of the night when we get back. Then one of the staff, a nice looking lady grabbed the phone and called someone. After a short talk she hung up and smiled at us saying that if we hurry and take a train going to a station nearby we might be able to transfer to metro that could take us to the airport. I really can't explain how fast we ran to catch that train with our entire luggage. At the end of the day we succeed to arrive at the airport. The incident of missing the train taught me a lesson that I should always double check the time of the transportation I will use. Sudden events are bound to happen when you are on a trip, and I've experienced that a lot, but this incident startled me the most.
Hi, I'm Yun You Jung. Your topic sentence might be the first sentence. Through this sentence, I could guess that you wrote a story about an incident on your way back to the airport. Also your writing have background information like the reason you and your friend decided to spend last night at the airport. After I finish reading your paragraph, I can feel how embarrassed you were! But why didn't you make a title? Maybe having a title can make your writing better. Thank you for your writing, and see you in the next class!
ReplyDeleteTo Ka Hee Lee From Jae Hyun Park Assignment a narrative paragraph about something that happened to you while you were on a trip.
ReplyDelete1,What I like about this piece of writing is your vivid descriptions. As I read your writing I felt almost same feeling of running with heavy luggage to catch train, breathing rapidly. I think that this is your strong point and it will benefit you in every writings.
2,Your main point seems running hard to catch train because you misunderstood the arrival time as a departure time.
3,These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
I feel your words or lines are overall good. The first and major impression that I get from your writing is that it really feels like work of native English speaker. In particular this sentence, To our surprise, the time we saw was not the departure time, but the arrival time. , it really gives impression that this writing is maybe written by native speaker.
4,Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved.
After a short talk she hung up and smiled at us saying that if we hurry and take a train going to a station nearby we might be able to transfer to metro that could take us to the airport.
Well, I could not understood this part clear enough. As I understood your writing, you ran to an another station to transfer. Or it could be that you took a train going to another station to transfer. I hope that you could improve this part by making it clear.
5,The change you could make that would make the improvement in this piece of writing is followed.
Add title. Please! Don’t forget to make title!
Actually, I feel your writing is so far great. It is really hard for me to suggest something. Length is favorable not to mention content as a narrative paragraph.
Plus, The departure time for our plane home was in the morning, and the airport was quite far from our friend's house where we were staying., in this sentence I don’t understand what plane home is. Is it your mistake?
See you in class. Thank you for sharing your work.