| When we marry?
I think age between 27 and 29 is the most appropriate for marriage. In the research says nowadays the average of age to marry is hovering around 30 because of the problem of money. Almost 43% replies that is the main reason to make them be reluctant with marry early. It is because that many people have a hard time to get a job just after graduate. So it takes a long time to make money to support their marriage. However when they get married after 30, women have risk of pregnancy. That is, they have difficulty to have babies. I think the money for support their economic condition and the body condition to have babies are the most important think we should consider when they decide to marry. In fact many adults like relatives say age between 27 and 29 is the best. For example, my mother married when she was in 23 and she always told me not to marry too fast. She insisted that I should enjoy my life first. However she also agreed age over 30 is too late in terms of reasons I mentioned above. In conclusion, we should consider the life both after and before marriage and I think age between 27 and 29 is appropriate for those condions.
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Thursday, May 24, 2012
Kim you jin /// opinion paragraph.
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To Kim you jin From Jae Hyun Park Assignment an opinion paragraph about best age for marry
ReplyDelete1,What I like about this piece of writing is adequate length for a paragraph and the way you displays your idea. Still you have some problems, but compared to other student’s work your way of setting this writing is generally good.
2,Your main point seems to be that age between 27 and 29 is appropriate for marriage. I’m pretty sure that you are talking about women’s age not men’s.
3,These particular words or lines struck me as powerful
I like this sentence, Almost 43% replies that is the main reason to make them be reluctant with marry early. It shows that you really studied something to find some facts. I really appreciate that, but this sentence also has limitation. As you did not write where this information come from, I’m not sure this is right fact or not.
4,Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved.
In fact many adults like relatives say age between 27 and 29 is the best. For example, my mother married when she was in 23 and she always told me not to marry too fast.
In this part, I find way of connecting sentences is little bit awkward. You supposed to give example to support the idea that age between 27 and 29 is the best, but suddenly you start to talk about your mom. Regarding rest of sentences you better use ‘According to my mom’ instead of ‘For example’.
5,The one change you could make that the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is probably making clear of what you are talking about. Are you going to talk about men’s ideal age for marry or for women’s. If you are going to talk about women’s age why don’t you suggest that in your main sentence? It would be very helpful.
See you in class.