(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12Jon H. Bahk-HalbergPark Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411 Due date: 2012/4/5
Short Life for Permanent Country How can I be a legend in a society? Do I need to be super handsome? Do I need to be super rich? There was one man in Republic of Korea who already passed away in December 2011. He is Park Tae-joon. When Republic of Korea needed him during Korean civil war he was second lieutenant and fought for country. When Republic of Korea cried for poverty he founded POSCO, a steel company which ranked number one among world's steel company by WSD(World Steel Dynamics) in 2011. This company is considered especially important. Because it has produced steel to back up Republic of Korea's fast growing economy in 1970s. When Republic of Korea needed a wise political leader, he was prime minister. Plus for the future he founded POSTEC which is often called MIT of Korea and also ranked 98th at the 2011's QS World University Rankings. In the end, he left no property under his name. When he passed away for about thirty thousand people deplored his death and visited his funeral parlor including current president and many other important persons. He was about 5.2 ft. But his shadow in Republic of Korea's history is bigger than anyone. |
Thursday, April 5, 2012
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Title is Jae Hyun Park/ A person that I admire / Mon 9 am
ReplyDeleteHi, Jae hyun. Here is my comment.
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence that introduces the thing you will describe?
> Yes, he will describe a person that he admires, Park Tae-joon.
2. Did the author include background information about the thing he is describing?
> Yes, Park was the founder of POSCO and also a post prime minister.
3. Did he include descriptive details about how the thing looks, smells, tastes, sounds, feels, etc?
> Yes. He did use it, but I see only few.
4. Did he use specific words as part of his description?
> No. Though he tries to describe the person, I can't see a specific word.
5. Did he use adjectives as part of his description?
>Yes, well, he used the word handsome and rich to define the meaning of legend, and bigger shadow for indicating the man's effect on Korea.
6. Are adjectives used correctly?
> Yes, I think so.
7. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
> Yes, the concluding sentence restates the man's effect on Korea history.
Hello! I'm Takgyun.
ReplyDeleteThe first several sentences of your paragraph caught my eyes. They were interesting enough to get my attention paid. Using questions as a hook was a good idea. Also, I liked your final sentences. With metaphors, you showed how much you think of him and admire him.
You described well about what he did while living. His contribution to Korea, many good effects on people, and so on. But while reading, I unconsciously wondered about his motivations of doing so. It would be better if you add more information besides his shown achievement.
Thank you for sharing your paragraph. See you in class!
(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12
ReplyDeleteJon H. Bahk-Halberg
Park Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411
Draft 2
Short Life for Permanent Country
How can I be a legend? There are really roughly seventy billion people in our world and you can say that there are seventy billion ways of life. But it is clear that there is something common in the lives of legendary figure. Do I need to be super handsome? Do I need to be super rich? But there must be something more than just being handsome or being rich. It can be said the way of life that is admired by many people, if it an answer. There was one man in Republic of Korea who already passed away in December 2011. He is Park Tae-joon. When Republic of Korea needed him during Korean civil war he was second lieutenant and fought for country. When Republic of Korea cried for poverty he founded POSCO, a steel company which ranked number one among world’s steel company by WSD(World Steel Dynamics) in 2011. This company is considered especially important. Because it has produced steel to back up Republic of Korea’s fast growing economy in 1970s. When Republic of Korea needed a wise political leader, he was prime minister. Plus for the future he founded POSTEC which is often called MIT of Korea and also ranked 98th at the 2011’s QS World University Rankings. In the end, he left no property under his name. When he passed away for about thirty thousand people deplored his death and visited his funeral parlor including current president and many other important persons. He was about 5.2 ft. But his shadow in Republic of Korea’s history is bigger than anyone.