Introducing myself, the first word that popped up in my head was the 'business'. This doesn't mean that I am a business person but that I am a busy person. I am doing quite many things now. First of all, I have been the representative of sophomore in English education department since last semester. As a representative, I should make plans for many different events and push them ahead. From the semester-beginning
party to the semester-ending party, all the schedules are set by me and other co-workers. To work on them, we have meetings on every Tuesday evening. Also, I am a member of Hanbalzzac, the Yuldong circle in education college. Yuldong is a kind of dancing according to protest songs. As a sophomore, I should teach the freshmen in the circle, and we held a 'Freshmen Yuldong Festival' two weeks ago. We do our activities on every Wednesday evening. Another example can be two societies that I'm participating in. One is the education society and the other is the teacher certification exam preparing society. In the previous one, we discuss the hot potatoes about educational problems nowadays and think about what we can and should do as future teachers. In the latter one, we study the subject which is focused on the test together. Those two societies are held each on Tuesday and Wednesday. Besides those activities as a university student, I teach two high school students privately to make pocket money on every Thursday and Sunday and go to church on every Saturday. Finally, I should date with my girlfriend who sits right next to me in my free time. That's how my weeks go. It might seem too tight a schedule but I am satisfied with what I'm doing and I love my 'business'.
party to the semester-ending party, all the schedules are set by me and other co-workers. To work on them, we have meetings on every Tuesday evening. Also, I am a member of Hanbalzzac, the Yuldong circle in education college. Yuldong is a kind of dancing according to protest songs. As a sophomore, I should teach the freshmen in the circle, and we held a 'Freshmen Yuldong Festival' two weeks ago. We do our activities on every Wednesday evening. Another example can be two societies that I'm participating in. One is the education society and the other is the teacher certification exam preparing society. In the previous one, we discuss the hot potatoes about educational problems nowadays and think about what we can and should do as future teachers. In the latter one, we study the subject which is focused on the test together. Those two societies are held each on Tuesday and Wednesday. Besides those activities as a university student, I teach two high school students privately to make pocket money on every Thursday and Sunday and go to church on every Saturday. Finally, I should date with my girlfriend who sits right next to me in my free time. That's how my weeks go. It might seem too tight a schedule but I am satisfied with what I'm doing and I love my 'business'.
Hi, I'm Jae-Hun Lee and this is my feedback for your paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think your main point is "You are a very busy man." You have to do a lot of things. I think you might be tired.
To improve your paragraph's meaning, you could make these Korean words bold or italic.
thanks for reading and see you tomorrow's class.
To Tak gyun Lee from Kim Ji Su.
ReplyDeleteYour main point seems to be that you are a very busy person.
It would have been more concise if you put the topic sentence more clearly on the top. Also I suggest you to put the title.
Title is a good way to give guide to the reader. The writing would have been more easy to read if it had a nice title!
So I hope you work on that on revised draft.
I loved the transition words you used between sentences.
The examples you've shown definitely support your idea of being
"busy person". All the supporting sentences are very connected and well organized. I could imgaine what kind of person you are just by reading it.
However it would have been much better if you put a concluding sentence at the last part of your writing. It would make the writing more neat and easy to varify what was the topic once agin.
Thank you.