My favorite room in my home
Although there is my room in my house, I feel more comfortable when I'm in the living room. Our family moved in this house in last year, and we had a difficulty in allocating furniture. Especially we had many troubles allocating things in the living room, because the organization of living room is very different from past house. After many tries, we arranged the living room as now. In the living room, you can see the reddish brown colored sofa first. It is long that there is some space even when I lie down. There are four soft sitting cussions with floral-patterned, and three squared cussions which color is orange, green, and blue. Because there are many cotton in it, they are all soft, too. And across from sofa, there is a long wooden drawer which is lower than my knee. Its color is white with brown lines on the edges, and white colored 32 inches TV is on it. I usually watch TV sitting on the sofa, and it is so comfort that I sleep many times. On the left side of the drawer there is a green and brown colored wooden table. Orange colored notebook is on it. For being old model, it is very thick, slow and heavy. Furthermore, it buzz a little bit loudly, so no one carry it - only use it in the house. I can also see three vase on the right side of the drawer. One is likey to be cylindrical shape and two are square shape. And orchids and cactus are in each vase, so it seems that the air of our house become more fresh. Next to the living room there is a kitchen. I like this point because the living room is full of delicious smell when someone is cooking. All of those things are the reasons why I regard living room as favorite room. Sorry to my room, but I can feel more comfortable and enjoyable when I'm in the living room!
To Yun You Jung from Park Jae Hyun Assignment My favorite room in my home.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this piece of writing is that your format is really typical. What I mean is that you followed typical rules of paragraph that there are few things to pick on. For example I find your topic sentence in the first sentence, Although there is my room in my house, I feel more comfortable when I'm in the living room. And I can notice your concluding sentence at the end of the paragraph well restating the idea in the topic sentence, Sorry to my room, but I can feel more comfortable and enjoyable when I'm in the living room! And your general usage of adjectives and words is good. For example One is likey to be cylindrical shape and two are square shape. Thanks I learned new words!
Your main point seems to be ‘descriptions on your living room’.
I can notice that you included much background information about the living room you are describing. For example you said your family had little bit hard time arranging stuff because your new house is very different from the house which you moved from. And I find you included descriptive details about living room mainly on looks. I feel your descriptions are lack of other senses. Using all senses is not a mandatory but still it is a good option that depicts something so that reader can make a vivid image.
A thing is not clear to me. ‘Orange colored notebook is on it.’ In this part I was little puzzled because I thought it was notepad at first.
The change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to try something new to attract reader’s mind. And generally, sorry but I failed to make vivid image of your living room in my mind and I’m really not sure why living room is better than your room or why you like living room more.
Anyway you better start to change your title ‘My favorite room in my home’ to get attention from reader and to give some your own stress on your writing. And it feels like your writing is not that organized to give some strong points to readers. Why don’t you make some categorizes and give descriptions under your category? I think in this way readers can remember points of your writing and can make vivid image easily.
And generally I really appreciated your writing. In my very private opinion your writing can be really improved by changing points that I mentioned. See you in class!!
Thank you for your detailed comments. Through your feedback, I can upgrade my writing:)
ReplyDeleteThe place where I can feel enjoyable
In last year, our family moved in this house. We had many troubles allocating things especially in the living room because the organization of living room is very different from past house. After many tries, we arranged the living room as now. And now, this place become my favorite room for several reasons. First, I can feel comfortable in this room. In the living room, you can see the reddish brown colored sofa first. It is long that there is some space even when I lie down. There are four sitting cussions with floral-patterned, and three squared cussions which color is orange, green, and blue. Because there are many cotton in it, they are all soft, too. And across from sofa, there is a long wooden drawer which is lower than my knee. Its color is white with brown lines on the edges, and white colored 32 inches TV is on it. I usually watch TV sitting on the sofa, and it is so comfort that I sleep many times. Second, I can meet nature. There are three vases on the right side of the drawer. One is likey to be cylindrical shape and two are square shape. And orchids and cactus are in each vase, so it seems that the air of our house become more fresh. Also, the living room is connected to a veranda. Out of the veranda there are some trees. When I sit on the sofa, I can bath in the sunshine and see how the trees change in each season. Third, I can meet smell of food! Next to the living room there is a kitchen. I like this point because the living room is full of delicious smell when someone is cooking. All of those things are the reasons why I regard living room as favorite room. Sorry to my room, but I can feel more enjoyable when I'm in the living room!