We grow up together.
My mom has 4 sisters. But she was closed to the youngest sister. When I was young, our family and the youngest aunt lived together. She was young, sweet and nice so I really liked her. After she married, she left our family and made her own family. One year later, she gave birth to her first daughter. But my aunt and uncle were worked, so they can't take care of her daughter during the daytime. At that time, my mom didn't work. So they leaved their daughter in my family. I was very interested in caring baby. I always watched my mom and learned how to feed baby, how to change diapers. I helped her to walk, to talk. And I always tried to hug her. One day, my younger brother hit by a car. It was unexpected accident. My mom rushed to hospital with my brother, so I have to stay at home and took care of my cousin. She was sleeping, but suddenly she woke up, and started to cry. I was panic but soon I followed my mom when baby cry. I made a meal for baby and feed to baby. But she didn't stop crying. So I checked the diaper and changed it. Then she stopped crying. When my mom back, she was surprised what I did. Just like that my cousin grows up, and I grow up. Now she's 14 years old, and I'm 21 years old. Sometimes I think she is still a baby.
Hi, this is SunGyung Kim.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like the most about your writing is that you explain the story of you and your cousin with many small stories and it gives a realistic image.
It sounds you are really colse to your aunt and cousin. However, your passage does not reveal this because it doesn't have any topic and conclusion sentence. This makes your writing lack focus. I recommend you to have them. Also, It was hard to tell which is the main idea and which is an example. You had better put some signal words such as 'for example' and 'for instance'.
Looking forward to see the passage's revised version, see you in class!
Hi, sora! It's yoon jung from your class!
ReplyDeleteI think your point is about your close relative, your cousin!
What I like about your writing is the specific episode with your cousin. It was really impressive and I can feel how much you cared about your cousin.
But what I wasn't clear about your writing was the topic. At first, I thought you were going to talk about your aunt, but you soon started to explain about your cousin. Now, I understand you were going to talk about your cousin but at first I got confused about what your exact topic is. So, I think it's better to mention what your topic is in the front part of your paragraph.
Thx for sharing your writing with us!
My little cousin
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 7 years old, my family lived with cousin who is daughter of aunt. My aunt and uncle worked, so they don’t have time to care about their daughter. So my mom cares her during the day time. When she came to our home at first, I was excited. She looked like a doll. And, I was very interested in caring baby. I always watched my mom and learned how to feed baby, how to change diapers. I taught my cousin to walk, to talk. I really loved her. One day, my younger brother hit by a car. It was unexpected accident. My mom rushed to hospital with my brother, so I have to stay at home alone and took care of my cousin. She was sleeping, but suddenly she woke up, and started to cry. I was panic but soon I followed my mom when baby cry. I made a meal for baby and feed to baby. But she didn't stop crying. So I checked the diaper and changed it. Then she stopped crying. When my mom back, she was surprised what I did. I was very proud of it. After that, I loved her more than before.