To introduce my self, I am a "stubborn" person.
When you hear the word stubborn, most of you will portray a person who doesn't listen to others and only
insist on his or her own thoughts.
First of all, I am nothing like those kinds of people.
The word "stubborn" in this writing refers to a term of maintaining a strong will.
I am a stubborn person who don't easily bend down on my opinions.
To make the meaning crystal clear, you consider of me as a person who is not afraid to say "No", when everybody say "yes". In Korea, there is a strong tradition which
have passed down from generation to generation. Koreans tend to care too much on "modesty" and "humbleness" that
they are now afraid to show any kinds of thoughts or opinions which go aginst the ruling party.
I personally experienced a lot of cases where ideas were lieterally ignored just because they weren't the ideas from the majority part.
From the very early age, I couldn't understand the implicit agreement that people held in the middle of the decision making.
For instance, I happened to participate in a competition in my high school years. The purpose of the contest was to see which group
is able to produce most profit in a model investment. I the yougest student among my group members.
Students proposed various plans to maximize output, and as one of the participant I also actively participated in suggesting ideas.
However, the head member of the group refused to take my idea in to consideratio because I was young. Most of the members
agrred with the leader of the group and it seemed that they also believed I would accept the agreement because I was the minor.
However I rebeled at the decision, and demanded that my idea is also worth considered since I am the same participant as most of the students.
Eventually, after consideration, my idea turned out to be the best policy that the company would proceed.
I think it is really important to stand on my will , and I will keep this "stubborness" till the rest of my life.
Hi. I'm Lee Myungjae. Your paragraph captured my eyes among other classmates' because the format is quite unusual. I wonder you deliberately made it. Overall, I was able to feel your stubbornness solely with your writing because your strong tone and an impressive example fully showed that. Obviously your main point would be that you are stubborn. The part which struck me hard is where you pointed out the unusual Korean culture that 'humbleness' or 'modesty' is greatly required. It is interesting to me that you've thought like that since you were young because many people tend to accept it for granted. There isn't any unclear part that I found in your writing except for some sentence fragments between lines, but it might be your minor mistakes. However, I don't think you need to allocate many lines to explain the word 'stubborn' because with one or two sentences, what you mean is understood enough. Instead, I think it would be better if you put more examples to support your main point. Additionally, although your tone shows your character well, I felt it too strong. It even sounds that you are upset at the end of the writing. But other than that, your writing is solid and good. Thank you for sharing yours!
ReplyDeleteTo Kim Ji Su From Jae Hyun Park Assignment An example paragraph about yourself.
ReplyDelete1,What I like about this piece of writing is that I can clearly recognize yourself. Regardless my personal opinions about your way of life, I feel like that I clearly become to know you through this piece of writing. I even little bit worried and scared that you even ignore this feedback and smack back of my head writing feedback to you because you are such a stubborn person.(This just for fun.) But seriously what I mean is that your writing is just like this. I think you better lower your tone. I will talk about it more at number five of my feedback with other point.
2, Your main point seems to be that you are such a stubborn person. I noticed this idea from this sentence,To introduce my self, I am a "stubborn" person. I’m not sure this one is whether title or first sentence. If this is your first sentence probably you better come up with your title. And if it is title why don’t you change it just a little bit? This is too direct title. I think you better approach in a more indirect way.
3,Particular words or lines struck me as powerful are followed. To make the meaning crystal clear… … me as a person who is not afraid to say "No", when everybody say "yes…. These are good in my opinion. I liked the first one because I could get a meaning really clearly, if you used expressions such as ‘very clear’ or ‘more clear’ it would be boring and couldn’t be even clear. And for the second one I like it because I think I cannot find better substitute for describing what you want in one word than just writing what you did. I felt writing little long can be more effective in this part. I really appreciate it. Generally every time I read your writing. I just cannot keep my mouth closed because your expressions and usage of words are great! At this time also I was very happy to find some good expressions. Thanks.
4,Some things aren’t clear to me. ‘Eventually, after consideration, my idea turned out to be the best policy that the company would proceed.’ What do you mean by proceed? You mean that the company adopted your group’s model in their business?
5, The change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is reconsidering the word stubborn. You wrote that ‘When you hear the word stubborn, most of you will portray a person who doesn't listen to others and only insist on his or her own thoughts. First of all, I am nothing like those kinds of people.’ So far I clearly understand what you mean even by myself I think I am stubborn in this way also. But after finishing your writing I just feel like you are stubborn person who don’t listen to others which is not what you intended. Just according to your story as I understood you rebelled and demanded groups to take your idea because your idea was not accepted first just because you were youngest. But this is actually stubbornness right? I know and understand that this kind of situation in Korea usually happens and I also I don’t like this kind of atmosphere. But if you wrote in a way that you rebelled and demanded group to take your idea because their suggestion was clearly weak compared to yours and you bravely insisted on your suggestion regardless of not-friendly atmosphere then I would crystal clearly understand the word “stubborn” as you intended. Or if it not, why don’t you choose more soft word for example ‘strongwilled’. For other point, I’m not sure why you used double quotation mark in modesty and humbleness. I understand why you used double quotation mark in stubborn because you are going to use this word in your own way. But again why in modesty and humbleness?
But overall I really appreciate your writing! See you in class!
Hi, jisu! I'm cho yoon jung from your class!
ReplyDeleteThe particular words or lines struck me as powerful is "To make the meaning crystal clear" because I think it is a really well describing phrase nicely!
Your main point seems to be that you're a stubborn person.
THe part that could be improved is the transition part between the last and the second last sentence. The transition you made is too fast that it might be better to add some sentence before finishing the paragraph.
Also the "First of all" in the beginning part isn't clear to me. I think it is better to delete or modify into other words.
Thx for sharing your writing!
Stubborn me? Strong me!
ReplyDeleteTo introduce myself, I am a "stubborn" person. When you hear the word stubborn, most of you will portray a person who doesn't listen to others and only insist on his or her own thoughts. I am nothing like those kinds of people. The word “stubborn" in this writing refers to a term of maintaining a strong will. I am a stubborn person who doesn’t easily bend down on my opinions.
To make the meaning crystal clear, you may consider of me as a person who is not afraid to say "No", when everybody say "yes". For instance, when a yes or no question is given to me, I’m not afraid to say No, when everyone else says yes. It doesn’t mean that I only focus on my opinions and ignoring others. I also take others voice too. In Korea, there is a strong tradition which has passed down from generation to generation to follow the majority group’s opinion. This is because it is usually considered to be humble and modest to not appeal individual’s opinion strongly, especially when it doesn’t accord with the rest. Koreans tend to care so much on "modesty" and "humbleness" that they are afraid to show any kinds of thoughts or opinions which go against the ruling party.
I personally experienced a lot of cases where ideas were literally ignored just because they weren't the ideas from the majority part. From the very early age, I couldn't understand the implicit agreement that people held in the middle of the decision making. For instance, I happened to participate in a competition in my high school years. The purpose of the contest was to see which group is able to produce most profit in a model investment. I was the youngest student among my group members. Students proposed various plans to maximize output, and as one of the participant I also actively participated in suggesting ideas. After several hours of brainstorming two ideas came out. One idea was from a senior student groups who had lots of experience in the competition. Other one was from me. I thought their idea contained several flaws and I tried to explain the defector of that idea to the rest of the members. However, the head member of the group refused to take my idea in to consideration. Everyone wanted to take the easy way by following the decision already made by majority and seemed they didn’t want any idea which goes against the stream. They looked at me as if I was the impudent child who doesn’t know her place. However I thought it was quite unfair to ignore my idea just because I brought out a whole new view on the problem and because I wasn’t old enough. I persuaded the team workers and negotiated with them. I asked the members to rule out my idea after seeing it since they refused to take my opinion on to the round table. Also I suggested the team to have a vote on which idea is better since I would be able to take the consequence then. Unlike most people’s expectation, my idea turned out to be the better compared to the previous one. After hours of hard work, our team eventually won the competition. It was the moment that I felt how important it is to maintain strong will of mine. It would have been a real regret, if I just followed other people’s decision without asserting mine.
To sum up, I think it is really important to stand on my will, and I will keep this "stubbornness" till the rest of my life.