A tree where you can get rest.
I am a tree-like person. In fact, when people see me for the first time, they usually say that It is too difficult to talk with me and approach me. It is because I am a shy person, so I cannot talk very well with new people. for example, it takes about a month to talk with my collegues for the first time since we met. I cannot approach some of them well, and they also did. However, when we get closed, the situation is upside down. Because I know well how sad it is when other persons don't listen one's trouble, I always do my best to listen them well. When they tell me the thing which annoy them, I try to remember it and help them. Thanks to this effort, I can get many people's heart. They say that they can believe me. A person said to me that I am a one of the three persons that she can believe in her life. The others said that they want to have a good relationship with me forever. I always wanted to be a good listener like MOMO. Do you know MOMO? It is a character of a famous novel. she always listens others' trouble without telling anything. she is like tree. Tree gives people a shadow for rest. Tree doesn't loud and doesn't bright. However it can give people rest without saying anything, just by listening. I can give people shadow for rest like tree which is always around them.
TO you jin Kim from Kim Ji Su
ReplyDeleteAssignment p. 63
First I like to appreciate on the title part!
The title really impresses me. It isn't a easy job to select a wonderful title. However I think you're title is the best thing I've seen among our class's writing good job :)
Also the topic sentence is well stated.
It's simple and clear, very easy to clarify what the writing is going to be about.
However I think you're writing is lack of examples that support your maind idea.
Being the person whom everyone can rest on.
You mention on the part that since you are a good listener, people call you "tree like person" . However I suggest you to put more detailzed stories, like short anecdote about it!
Also I recommend you to put the conclusion sentence more clearly.
Thank you :-)
Hi this is Kahee Lee.
ReplyDeleteFirst what I like about your writing is the title. It gave me intrest to read the whole story. I also like the fact that you compared yourself to MOMO a character in a novel. That was quite new to me.
Your main point seems to be that you listen to people's stories and you are a healing person to others.
I think the last sentence 'I can give ... always aound them.' is strong, but it may also be bit confusing to understand. Also I can't understand what you mean by 'give people rest.' I think you should replace the word 'rest' with something that can be more clear. I think it would be better is you combined the last sentence with the sentence before, for example,
'A tree can help people rest by just listening; like that I give people shadows to rest under like the trees around them'
maybe you could change the conculding sentence like this.
Hi, this is SunGyung Kim from the writing class. I enjoyed your writing.It was very original and creative. Here is my comment on your writing !
ReplyDelete1. What I liked about this piece of writing is the topic sentence and the concluding sentence. These are really coherent and make your writing even stronger.
2. Your main point seems to be that you are a tree-like person.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful : Thanks to this effort, I can get many people's heart. They say that they can believe me. These two sentences show me well that you are such a sincere person.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. The sentence "Tree doesn't loud and doesn't bright." This doesn't give me a certain explanations what you want to say.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is change a topic sentence in a more specific way. Of course, the expression tree-like is creative and eye-catching but this is somewhat strange and vauge. You had better use 'sincere', 'considerate' or something like that.