(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12Jon H. Bahk-HalbergPark Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411 Due date: 2012/4/12 Topic: an example paragraph about myself
Passion makes Perfect
Do you want to be perfect? Yes, I want to be perfect. These days there is a clear tendency that wants to grade people's value in exact numbers for instance, lots of tests on English, many certificates and so on. This tendency is usually highly acknowledged because competitions which create ranking in any fields for example in sports, in language or even in an academic field are very common in the world. However, being number one in ranking or getting a high score at English test such as TOEIC or getting A+ on assignment can't mean everything. For instance, in last semester I took one of lectures in my Malay-Indonesian department. The professor gave each topic in our textbook to group of students. And each group had to make a presentation about a topic for about thirty minutes and had to answer all the questions from audience. Our group was given a topic that the author's opinion was women' status in Indonesia usually low and importantly women' political choice is dependent on her husband. However our group thought differently. Since this article is written in 2001 and considering that the Suharto's 30 year long military dictatorship just ended in 1998 because of civil demonstration we believed that there must be a change in women's status in 2011. To prove this, I and my group spent whole semester! We met every one day in a week and had discussions and gave critics to others. We even made questionnaires and sent it to our Indonesian friends in order to do survey in Indonesia. With it, we raised objection against our text book and interestingly our professor accepted our objection. It was the moment that adrenalin ran through all my blood vessels. 20 year old youngsters raised objection to one of scholars. This is me. Getting a high grade is not that important to me. I just want to do something in my full strength with passion until things getting perfect.
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Thursday, April 12, 2012
Jae Hyun Park/ An example paragraph about myself/ Mon 9:00~11:00
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Hi, Jaehyun! I'm yoon jung from your class!
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this piece of writing is that the title you changed smartly! I think yours is much more impressive than the 'practice' one!
Your main point seems to be the passion and efforts you made on something can be valuble!
The sentence I'd like the most is " It was the moment that adrenalin ran through all my blood vessels.". I'm not sure there's a same sentence that share this meaning in English but I can exactly figure out what feeling you felt!
However, the part you explained about your project is not clear to me. I think it is better to make simple explanation about the project.
And I got impressed on your last part, but I'm not sure if it is clearly directed to the 'passion makes perfect.' I can't find the exact connection between perfect and your achievement in the project.
Hello, this is Dana from your class.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked about your writing is you have a strong opinion and the way you expressed it was really good. Your arguments sounded firm and the details you gave to support your topic was well described.
Your main point seems to be your passion to make things perfect not for the standards that are judged by the society but for what you actually achieve.
I like the very last part of this paragraph. "Getting a high grade is not that important to me. I just want to do something in my full strength with passion until things getting perfect." It clearly shows your characteristic. In this part, you sounded very confident in yourself and proud to be who you are.
The part where I had trouble understanding was the beginning of the paragraph. I can't see the connection between the first part and the example you have given. It is quite hard to link it to your topic, passion makes perfect.
The one improvement that would make this writing better would be to change the example you've given. it's not that yours is bad but your example seems to be about your classmates or friends. It would be better if you were the focus. Maybe saying you made the suggestion to search for the difference in womens' status in Indonesia. Your paragraph has title, topic sentence, and good supporting details. However, your supporting seems to be a bit irrelevant. But I am convinced that you are a person with a great passion!
Thanks for sharing your article and see you in class:)
(Introduction to Academic Writing (1)) Mon.12
ReplyDeleteJon H. Bahk-Halberg
Park Jae Hyun(박재현)201101411
Draft 3
Topic: an example paragraph about myself
Passion makes Perfect
Do you want to make things perfect? I think my passion does that. Last semester one professor in Malay-Indonesian department gave time consuming group project giving whole semester for preparation time. He assigned each topic from textbook to groups and each group had to make a presentation about it for about half an hour. My group was given a topic that the author’s opinion explain lowness of Indonesian women’ status and importantly women’ political choice is dependent on husband. Probably the easiest way for preparing presentation would be just following author’s opinion. Because the writer must studied much more than us and probably know a lot about Indonesia because the author was Indonesian. However I thought different. Since this article was written in 2001 and considering that in 1998 the Suharto had stepped down from the presidency after 30 year long military dictatorship because of fierce, bloody civil demonstration we believed that there must be a change in women’s status in 2011. I persuaded my teammates and they agreed. For us, getting a high score was not that important anymore. Knowing and understanding Indonesia as a student majoring it were more important. We met every one day in a week and had discussions. Even we made questionnaires and sent it to our Indonesian friends in order to do survey in Indonesia. With it, we raised objection against our text book and interestingly our professor accepted our objection. It was the moment that adrenalin ran through all my blood vessels. 20 year old youngsters raised objection to one of scholars. This is me. I just want to do something in my full strength with passion until things getting perfect.