My dangerous summer vacation
"How brave are you!" This is what I always hear from people. Not only but they are talking about my braveness, I myself also accept the idea that I am such a courageous girl. For example, last year, I went on a vacation to Europe as a member of Topdeck, the international backpacking club, alone as a Korean. This program offered me a ride to each country in Europe and several meals but I had to find out all the ways to figure out everything else. Therefore, I had to make my own travel plan. The only thing I could rely on was several sheets of map and roadmaps. Traveling by myself through this program, I once had a really dangerous time in London. It was the first day I arrived there, through Schipole Airport. My flight was delayed so I landed there a lot later than expected, almost midnight. I was supposed to go to the reserved hostel near King's Cross station, which was 40minutes ride by underground. However, it was very late and then strange men tried to contact me recognizing that I am totally alone. I felt I was in a big trouble, but it seemed that there was nothing I could do to protect myself. At that moment, I found two Asian women in the same underground section with me and asked them a help by explaining my situation of danger with strange men. They responded me and asked for help to other passengers together with me, by yelling out. Then people blamed the guys surrounding me, telling them that they will call the police, and I could escape from the situation. Even though others helped me escape from the danger, I definitely think it was a lot thanks to my courageous attitude and attempt to solve the problem with calm. Going through such circumstance, I learned how to deal with a problem with the ongoing travel and it really made me even more brave and courageous than before.
Hi, this is Ji-young from the writing class. I really liked your writing!! When I saw this writing first, I thought it's kind of long writing but after I reading it, not at all! It was so exciting! Well, here is my comment on your writing ;)
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is the introduction part starts with comments that writer often hear from others. And the example that you gave me was perfect to explain about your personality.
2. Your main point seems to be that you are a brave person.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful :
The only thing that I could rely on was several sheets - It emphasizes your situation being alone.
there was nothing that I could do to protect myself - It shows well how dangerous the moment was
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively) :
then strange men tried to contact me - I know the meaning what you are trying to say, but I think the word 'contact' needs to be improved. It doesn't represent the actions of the men well.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is : adding more powerful concluding sentence that wraps up the story that you gave and your thoughts on your personality.
To Sun Gyung Kim From Jae Hyun Park Assignment An example paragraph about yourself
ReplyDelete1.What I like about this piece of writing is your descriptions. They are really vivid. I even clenched my fist when I was following your writing especially the moment some bad guys surrounded you. And more importantly I could draw image that you are asking help to other peoples and getting out from the problem. I really appreciate your ability in description. By the way example itself is really good example showing your braveness and making writing more interesting I think you get really interesting story.
2.Your main point seems to be that you are a brave girl who can solve problems even in such dangerous situations. And I think that I got your main point from your first and second sentences. In my opinion, "How brave are you!” This is what I always hear from people. , I like this kind of approach. It is different from others and grabs reader’s attention.
3.Particular words or lines struck me powerful are followed. Hum… I like your title and starting part of your writing. In particular, about the title I have some kind of mixed feeling about it. I like your title just because it grabbed my eyes. Well what I mean is that I knew that all the writings at this week would be an example paragraph about the writer. And I noticed a lot of writings with title such as ~~girl, ~~ person (I don’t mean that they are not good.) while your title was some kind of fresh and I really wanted to know what happened during your ‘dangerous’ vacations. But I also feel like that your writing can be improved by changing this title. After finishing reading your writing I got such feeling that your title may not fit with our assignment, An example paragraph about yourself. Your current title may imply that you are going to write about your experience about something rather than yourself.
4.Some things aren’t clear to me are followed. Not only but they are talking about my braveness,.. In this sentence I think you missed some words between not only and but. And you wrote that ‘This program offered me a ride to each country in Europe’ but I think this part can be improved if you write that this program provided flight or something. I felt little puzzled when I noticed the word ‘ride’. It is vague I think.
5,The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is improving your title that can more go along with our topic.
I really appreciated your writing. See you in class!
My dangerous summer vacation
ReplyDelete"How brave are you!" This is what I always hear from people. Not only they are talking about my braveness, but I myself also accept the idea that I am such a courageous girl. For example, last year, I went on a vacation to Europe as a member of Topdeck, the international backpacking club, alone as a Korean. This program offered me a ride by there private bus to each country in Europe and several meals but I had to find out all the ways to figure out everything else. Therefore, I had to make my own travel plan. The only thing I could rely on was several sheets of map and roadmaps. Traveling by myself through this program, I once had a really dangerous time in London. It was the first day I arrived there, through Schipole Airport. My flight was delayed so I landed there a lot later than expected, almost midnight. I was supposed to go to the reserved hostel near King's Cross station, which was 40minutes ride by underground. However, it was very late and then strange men tried to contact me recognizing that I am totally alone. I felt I was in a big trouble because it seemed they were trying to commit robbery and I could be raped in the worst situaton, but there was nothing I could do to protect myself. At that moment, I found two Asian women in the same underground section with me and asked them a help by explaining my situation of danger with strange men. They responded me and asked for help to other passengers together with me, by yelling out. Then people blamed the guys surrounding me, telling them that they will call the police, and I could escape from the situation. Even though others helped me escape from the danger, I definitely think it was a lot thanks to my courageous attitude and attempt to solve the problem with calm. Going through such circumstance, I learned how to deal with a problem with the ongoing travel and it really made me even more brave and courageous than before.