Cho yoon jung / A president I would vote for / Mon 9-11
2012 is the year when presidential election is included. Many candidates are coming out and many of them are shouting out their presidential election pledges. Then, among the many people, which choice do I have to make?
When voting for president, the most important thing I would consider is his(her) morality and the practicability of their pledges. First, when looking the morality, some people like to say becoming a competent leader is not related to their morality. However, the president is the position where should be worked for the public interest. I doubt if the person who doesn't have the right sense of morality can decide the public interest correctly. I think the person who control himself and behaved in a right way can lead the country in a trustful way.
Second, the practicability of their pledge. No matter how grand plan there is, we should consider the president's term in office is only 5 years. Rather than grand and bluffing plans, we should consider their pledges and check if the pledge can be realized and if it is really helpful for our lives. Voting a president is a significant selection for our lives that affects in a direct way. So Morality and the practicability of their pledge are the two things that I would vote for the president.
To Cho yoon jung From Jae Hyun Park Assignment A president I would vote for
ReplyDelete1,What I like about this piece of writing is clearance and neatness. What I mean is that your writing is just clear enough to echo what you are going to say. I think that using an ordinal number for example, first and second particularly allowed you to achieve the effect, which I like. And I feel length of your paragraph is ideal, not too long and lot too short. I could clearly understand that you will vote for the president who is showing morality and practicable pledges from your writing.
2,Your main point is really clear. You will vote for the one who has high morality and practicable pledges.
3,These particular words or lines struck me as powerful. I really like your structure. I can see that you divided your paragraph into three parts. Introduction, your first reason and second reason, I’m quite impressed your structuring ability in one paragraph. This quite attracts my attention compared to other students writing in a good way. But I don’t see your delicate consideration at sentences and expressions. I’m not saying that it is bad but it would be really improved if you add some eye grabbing sentences for example, A great responsibility follows great leader. These sentences will be a seasoning for your writing.
4, Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved. Overall your writing is too general. I’m not saying that your writing is vague but lack of descriptions. For example, you argued that morality is important, but considering the fact that probably morality in each people mind must be different you need to describe what the morality is meant by you so that other people can feel the same way with you. This also goes to practicable pledges. I know what the practicable pledges by words but probably my understanding about practicable pledges and yours must be different. Please give me some examples about it.
5, The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is giving more examples. Of course, writing something just for grading cannot be agreeable even for me. But remember the topic that you should have written about is an example paragraph about a president/prime minister you would vote for. However, your current writing seems like your general opinion about a president/prime minister you would vote for, which is not that suitable with the topic. Meanwhile, I don’t mean that you must write about specific figure in history. What you did now is strong enough and short and powerful. As I said in number 4 your writing can be improved if you give more examples.
Thank you for sharing your interesting opinion. See you in class. Jae Hyun Park
Hello. This is Takgyun!
ReplyDeleteYou chose the topic which others didn't choose a lot. I expected your paragraph to be about the person who you think would be the president. But reading the paragraph, I found that it was not about the future president but about the standard of the president. Your paragraph is organized clearly. You suggested two standard to be good president, and gave supporting details for each. But I think it lacked the specific examples for each category. It would be better if you named a specific person as an example instead of explanations. That would be more like example paragraph.
Thank you and see you in class!:)