A person that I admire
It was last year that I first met one of my role models. She was my classmate in a TOEFL institute. At first, I just like her because it was so pretty that her eyes curved like a rainbow when she smiled. However, the more I got to know her, the stronger recognition I had that she was special and respectable. The first part that I was surprised at was a relatively diverse career for 32-year-old young woman. She was a former casino dealer belonged to a well-known hotel, and worked for a small travel agency in the marketing department. She also used to be a flight attendant in Chinese airline which was her lifelong dream job. Working satisfied in a beautiful red uniform for years, she came to have a strong interest in child psychology. Studying at night only relying on some books after flight, she set another goal to enter graduate school for deeper exploration of the field. That is why she was preparing for TOEFL test when we met first. It is amazing itself considering her consistent self-development and determined willingness, but the best feature that I'd like to resemble is the warm and amiable atmosphere she has. For example, she always welcomed people with twinkling eyes and smiling face. In addtion, She often prepared some snack such as a sack of roasted sweet potato and baked muffin at home, and treated me after class. They tasted a little bit burned flavor, yet I really liked her consideration and kindness. The most impressive I found her was that she used worn-out secondhand books to save little money. That was really unexpected thing because she seemed to live a decent life compared to average women of her age. She is not extremely smart like world-class scientists as well as well-known like a nation's president. Still, she is one of the respectable people who left a strong impression in my life.
Thank you for the writing. I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteI like the part where you described her.
The description you made on her gave me the same impression that you might have felt at that moment.
I was able to picture the situation throughout your writing.
Also your writing is overall coherent.
You pulled out the topic well from the very start to the end. I even became to admire the women after I read your writing.
However, some improvements should be taken in this writing. First of all, I really appreciate your efforts to write sentences that are not too dull. I can see that you tried to put flowery word in your overall writing. However I couldn't get off with the feeling of awkwardness through out the reading. After re-reading your writing, I found out that it was due to some grammer mistakes. It does not seriously deter my reading, but it does get in the way of reading.
But I really liked your writing. You should keep your hardwork on your sentences. Then the writing will be much better
Lee Myungjae /a revised version
ReplyDeleteA person that I admire
It was last year that I first met one of my role models. She was my classmate in a TOEFL institute. At first, I just like her because she was so pretty when smiling. However, the more I got to know her, the strongly I felt that she was very special and respectable. The first part that I was surprised at her was the diverse job experience for 32-year-old young woman. She was a former casino dealer belonged to a well-known hotel, and worked for a small travel agency in the marketing department. She also used to be a flight attendant in Chinese airline which was her lifelong dream job. Working satisfied in a beautiful red uniform for years, she came to have a strong interest in child psychology. She started to study it only relying on some books, and set another goal of entering graduate school for deeper exploration of the field. That is why she was preparing for TOEFL test when we met first. I think her consistent self-development and determined feature is excellent itself, but I also like her caring attitude. For example, she always welcomed people with twinkling eyes and smiling face. In addition, she often prepared some snack such as a sack of roasted sweet potato and baked muffin at home, and treated me after class. They tasted a little bit burned, but I still liked her consideration and kindness. The most impressive thing I found her was that she used worn-out secondhand books to save little money. That was really unexpected thing because she seemed to live a decent life compared to the average women of her age. She is not extremely smart like world-class scientists as well as well-known like a nation's president. Still, she is one of the respectable people who left a strong impression in my life.