My best friend- Myself.
She is neither tall nor short, skinny nor fat. With long brown hair, big brown eyes, she becomes on girly dress, rather than jeans, matches well pink, rather than blue. She is attractive woman in a very feminine way. Whenever she passes, it smells like the sweeties because she likes fresh fruit-flavor fragrance. Her pleasant voice tone makes people feel comfortable. And she is a good listener. As she listens to others, she nods her head slightly and intermittently, replying in a low voice tone and her eyes are fixed on the partner's eyes. And the people love the way she stares into their eyes. She is honest about her feeling; she laughs when she laughs, she cries when she cries. When she laughs, her mouth gets broad, her eyes get small, and she makes so big sound that fills the whole room. And she doesn't care how big it is. Here is a funny thing. Once she cries, it is not easy for her to control her tears again. She cries out shedding tons of tears, running at her nose. That is why she avoids watching sad movie or drama. In everyway, she is very precious and adorable. I love my 25-years-old best friend, myself.
Hello I'm Yun you jung. It seems that your writing is original because you describe yourself. And what I like about this piece of writing is that you describe yourself in detail using diverse senses-looks, smells, and sounds. Thanks to this, I can understand your writing easily. I think your main point is description of yourself who you regard as precious and adorable. And I like the lines, "She cries out shedding tons of tears", because you describe how difficult it is for you to control your tears effectly using exaggeration. There aren't lines or parts that aren't clear. I can understand all of your writing. But if you add some explanation like why you decide to describe yourself in this writing, it would be better writing. Thank you for your writing and see you in the next class!:-D
ReplyDeleteTo Son Na Rae From Park Jae Hyun Assignment A Person I Admire
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this piece of writing is your overall way. I feel like your way as new. You started your sentence with ‘she’ but in the end actually she is you, Son Na Rae. And topic is also interesting as most of students’ admiring person were celebrities or one of their friends while you introduced yourself as your most admiring person. I think this is very new and also works very well, refreshing my eyes. About a topic sentence, I feel your topic sentence is the last sentence, I love my 25-years-old best friend, myself. And I think it is a concluding sentence also. Wow.. You are really smart. I’m not sure about our professors might think but I appreciate your new approach on writing.
Your main point seems to be description about you which is considered your lifelong companion by you.
These particular words or lines struck me as powerful. First of all, I find that your description portrays one figure so well that I can make vivid image in my mind. Your descriptions are in particularly good because you used all five senses. And I like this part, Whenever she passes, it smells like the sweeties because she likes fresh fruit-flavor fragrance. I almost smelled imaginary fragrance. I really appreciate it. And I like you mentioned your way of looking and listening somebody. This part is so well described that I can make one particular image easily. And introducing little story showing that she cries well is very interesting and funny.
Parts that could be improved are followed. Well.. Your writing is descriptive enough but I find there are still rooms to be more descriptive. For example, She is attractive woman in a very feminine way. I think you can improve this part using more specific substitute. And I’m not sure if feminine is really appropriate choice. Does it convey other meaning related to feminism or others?
The one change you could make that would make the biggest change in this piece of writing is your approach on the writing. I really like your new approach as I mentioned at the very start but I’m not sure others opinion as I said that I’m curious about our professors’ comment on this. But overall your usage of adjective and description are well used. For example ‘She cries out shedding tons of tears, running at her nose.’
I really liked your writing. See you in class!
My best friend
ReplyDeleteShe is neither tall nor short, skinny nor fat. With long brown hair, big brown eyes, she becomes on girly dress, rather than jeans, matches well pink, rather than blue. She is an attractive woman in very feminine. Whenever she passes, it smells like the sweets because she likes fresh fruit-flavor fragrance. Her pleasant voice tone makes people feel comfortable. And she is a good listener. As she listens to others, she nods her head slightly and intermittently, replying in a low voice tone and her eyes are fixed on the partner’s eyes. And the people love the way she stares into their eyes. She is honest about her feeling; she laughs when she laughs, she cries when she cries. When she laughs, her mouth gets broad, her eyes get small, and she makes so big sound that fills the whole room. And she doesn’t care how big it is. Here is a funny thing. Once she cries, it is not easy for her to control her tears again. She cries out shedding tons of tears, running at her nose. That is why she avoids watching sad movies or dramas. In everyway, she is very precious and adorable. I love my 25-year-old best friend, myself.