"Long live the Queen!" It was not a comment for the Queen Elizabeth II. As some of you would already know, it was for the Queen on the ice, Yuna Kim. I can't forget the moment that the sportscaster said this. Yuna was on her blue costume with spangles on her upper body. Especially, spangles on the neck was like a necklace. She looked really graceful. When she came up on the ice, in the shouts of crowd, she held her hands and prayed. She looked little bit nervous. However, when she posed for the beginning of her performance, the nervous face was gone. Her performance was like a flowing water. Every movement she took was linked. After the performance, she burst into tears. It was the moment of her dream coming true and coming up to all nation's expectations. On that day, she set a new world record. All those things were 2 years ago. But I still recall it whenever I am worn out. And it gives me a strong encouragement.
Hi I am Kim you jin. thanks for sharing your paragraph with me! i also like Yuna KiM very much! she is realllly beautiful and respectable in terms of her dreaming. thanks to you, i can also recall her, impressed as if i were with her. and i also feel how you like her! it seems that she really impress you, right? when you tired and get lost, her life encourages you, right? : ) however if you add more adjectives and more scene about pose she did, the air at that time and her figure. it will really helpful to make your writing better, i think. i want this advice do work well! thank you see you!
ReplyDelete(p.s after mid-term exam ends, let's have a lunch together, ji young!! hahahaha: ) )
Hello, jiyoung. This is Dana from your class:) I read your writing with much interest. I really admire Yuna too!
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked about your paragraph is that you gave many details of the moment that Yuna set a new world record and how it impressed you. Your explanation was very thorough. Also, the first sentence was very interesting. It made me think and want to read the paragraph.
Your main point seems to be the greatness of Yuna and how you admire her achievement.
There wasn't any words or parts that i couldn't understand. Your description was simple and neat.
The one thing that could improve your writing is to add more explanation of the aspects of Yuna that you admire so much. What made you feel that way and what part of her do you want to follow.
Anyways nice job!! See you in class~
Hi, Jiyoung. I enjoyed reading your paragraph. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou're describing the moment that Yuna Kim won the gold medal the winter Olymphic games. In the paragraph you described her in detail including her facial expression, costume, her programme,... I think the topic was clear enough and the flow of sentences was smooth. And your description is so lively that I can easily visualise the scenes.
Especially, I like the opener of the paragraph. "Long live the queen"... It catched my attention and made me interested in your writing. It was a catchy and creative intro.
But I don't think the concluding sentence is restating the topic again. At the end, you can emphasize how great Yuna played and how she looked like after the programme.I think the paragraph seems like an uncompleted story.
See you in the class!
Minju Yeo
ReplyDeleteHi, enjoyed reading your writing about Yuna Kim.
What I really liked about your writing is that you have many descriptive words, which made me imagine the situation clearly.
Your topic seems to be the night that Yuna Kim has won the first prize in Winter Olympic game, and how you admire her.
I like your writing starts with "Long live the queen" which made me very curious to read your paragraph.
There wasn't anything not clear for me. However, I thoght it would be better if you could add some reasons why you admire Yuna Kim, and what aspect you like about her.
"Long live the Queen!" It was not a comment for the Queen Elizabeth II. As some of you would already know, it was for the Queen on the ice, Yuna Kim. I can't forget the moment that the sportscaster said this. Yuna was on her blue costume with spangles on her upper body. Especially, spangles on the neck was like a necklace. She looked really graceful. When she came up on the ice, in the shouts of crowd, she held her hands and prayed. She looked little bit nervous. However, when she posed for the beginning of her performance, the nervous face was gone. Her performance was like a flowing water. Every movement she took was linked. Especially, on the jumping parts, she looked very stable like she can jump into the air whenever she wants. After the performance, she burst into tears. It was the moment of her dream coming true and coming up to all nation's expectations. On that day, she set a new world record. All those things were 2 years ago. But I still recall it whenever I am worn out. It gives me a strong encouragement. And I think of the days she had gone through to win Olympic gold medal. For the moment, she practiced over 10 hours a day several years. That great scene was based on her long-time efforts. With those thoughts, I can have endurance to strive for my dreams. I admire Yuna Kim, the person who gives me strength to step up.
ReplyDelete