There are five rooms in my house. But what I like the most is the room which my younger sister uses. Although it is smaller than my room, I really like it because there is everything that I want to have. First, there is a piano at the right upper corner of the room. It is dark brown, and quite old enough to make some keys deactivate. So if I want to play the piano, I have to bang on the keys so hard. And there are lots of dolls on the piano. Those are brown teddy bears which my sister does care about because they were her birthday presents. Also, there is a bed with floral-patterned blanket at the left lower corner of the room. It is so big that even 3 person can sleep there with enough space. When I lie on my bed, I can smell roses because there is an air fresher with scent of rose next to it. And, it is so soft and fluffy that I can fall into a sleep as soon as I go into the blanket. All of the room is covered by pink wallpaper. So, when I step into the room, it really makes me feel that this is a girl's room. It harmonizes well with my sister's teddy bears. In front of the bed, there is a white desk which my sister uses to study. However, there isn't any kind of books on it because she doesn't like to study hard. It has 3 lockers at the right side of it, and I can smell of wood until now because it is a new one. In conclusion, there is an old piano, fluffy bed, and new desk in my sister's room. And those are the things that I do want to have in mine. So, I really like my sister's room because, when I step into it, I can feel that I have all I've wanted so far.
Hi. I am Lee Myungjae.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your writing. It's so engaging to me from the very beginning. I don't know why, but the way you started the writing was similar to a kind of fairy tale that I read when I was young. Also, I felt that the tone you wrote sounds somewhat girlish and childlike in a good way.
As you mentioned in the end of the writing, the main point is clear that you like your sister's room most in your house because you feel great there and you can find anything you want there. Among the sentences, I like the part you described the stiff piano keys. It was a bit funny to me since I have an old piano too. I know exactly what you meant, and I cannot agree more. But when you used the expression 'go into the blanket', it is little unclear to me. I think it’s better to say 'go into the bed' because you can cover a blanket, but you cannot go into it. Also the linker 'in conclusion' at the end of the writing sounds quite formal although the general flow is casual and easy. Finally, I think you can cut some of the concluding parts. You made two concluding sentences to summarize it, but one of them could be omitted.
Hi, this is Ji-young from the writing class, Here is my comment.
ReplyDelete1. Does the paragraph have a topic sentence that introduces the thing you will describe?
>Yes, the author will describe her favorite room.
2. Did the author include background information about the thing she will describe?
> Yes, the author gave the reason why she likes this room : everything she likes is in this room
3. DId she include descriptive details about how the thing looks, smells, tastes, sounds, feels, etc?
> Yes. There are many descriptive details about the room. She described about the piano, teddy bear, bed, wallpaper and desk.
4. Did she use specific words as part of her description?
> She used many words to describe, among them, I liked the word, fluffy.
5. DId she use adjectives as part of her description?
>Yes, she used many of them ; colors, patterns, feelings, smells, old and new.
6. Are adjectives used correctly?
>Yes.
7. Does the paragraph have a concluding sentence that restates the idea in the topic sentence?
>Yes, she restated the reason why she likes this room.
Thank you for your comments!
ReplyDeleteMy sister’s room
There are five rooms in my house. But what I like the most is the room which my younger sister uses. Although it is smaller than my room, I really like it because there is everything that I want to have. First, there is a piano at the right upper corner of the room. It is dark brown and quite old enough to make some keys not working. So if I want to play the piano, I have to bang on the keys so hard. And there are lots of dolls on the piano. Those are brown teddy bears which my sister does care about because they were her birthday presents. Also, there is a bed with floral-patterned blanket at the left lower corner of the room. It is so big that even 3 person can sleep there with enough space. When I lie on the bed, I can smell roses because there is an air fresher with scent of rose next to it. And, it is so soft and fluffy that I can fall into a sleep as soon as I go into the bed. All of the room is covered by pink wallpaper. So, when I step into the room, it really makes me feel that this is a girl's room. It harmonizes well with my sister's teddy bears. In front of the bed, there is a white desk which my sister uses to study. However, there isn't any kind of books on it because she doesn't like to study hard. It has 3 lockers at the right side of it, and I can smell of wood until now because it is a new one. In conclusion, there is an old piano, fluffy bed, and new desk in my sister's room. And those are the things that I do want to have in mine. So, I really like my sister's room because, when I step into it, I can feel that I have all I've wanted so far.